Twilight

I got to go out with my girlfriends this morning and see Twilight! I love the series and was so excited to see the movie. All in all I thought it was very well done. I loved the high school scenes. They seemed pretty realistic to me. We would all laugh at those scenes because they were sooo high school. The whole obsessive love between Bella and Edward was almost spooky. They did a great job portraying the helpless connection between the two. In my opinion the best casting was Alice and Jacob. I think Jacob is way cute.

The one thing that surprised me was my reaction to the movie. I cried through parts of it. I think it was partly because I read these books to Katie in the hospital, so it reminded me of her. But the main thing was thinking about how much she would love these movies and I would love to have her sitting by me watching them. I just miss her so much!

Joy in the Journey

I was so happy to go to church yesterday and hear the lesson given by Pres Monson about having "joy in the journey."

Of course, I have to add that sometimes those lessons annoy me. You know, the whole, find the positive in all your trials. yeah, you try finding the positive in your daughter dieing. That is a tough one. All I can do now is just be grateful for what I still have. I know my life is changing and I am not sure where it is going.

But, I think I was ready to hear this lesson and it is something I have been working on lately. I want to enjoy my life the way it is instead of just making it day to day. I love spending time with my kids and I hope they feel that too.

During the lesson, our teacher asked how do we find happiness when we are being beat up by life. Someone answered, just decide to be happy. She asked if that was all we had to do. I answered that "Yes, it is as easy as that. We need to decide how we want to live our lives. It is a choice." As the lesson progressed and people responded to questions, I realized that my answer was only part of the solution. The beginning part. Once we decide that we want our life to be like, we have to take steps to make our life happy. Of course, for each of us those steps will be different. In my life I need to work on relying more on Christ and his ability to heal all wounds.
I kind of feel bad that my answer about just deciding to be happy was not the entire truth. I know that there is more to it, but for me the realization of making the decision to be happy made such a difference in my depression. I hope to keep my forward motion going. I think Katie would be proud of me.

Crazy days coming

The next few weeks are going to be crazy. I have to finish my poetry portfolio (I still need to write two poems). I have a final paper due in Asian-American Literature. And my first time in a long time, I will be singing in front of an audience and not in the choir. I also just got my final assignment for my Writing for Children's Class- it is supposed to be done by the end of December. We'll see if it happens.

How I Wish We Didn't Hate Those Years While We Lived Them

That is a quote from an author named Li-Young Lee from poetry class. I love that quote. You know, we are where we are in life and hating it is not going to change anything. The one thing we can do is find "joy in the journey (Pres Monson's talk this conference)" That is what I am working on. I want to truly enjoy spending time with my kids. I am not very good at it, for some reason I feel like I am wasting time when I am not "getting anything done." But what is more important than the relationship I have with my family?

The last couple of weeks, I feel like I am just growing and changing as if I am a baby. My mind has been going a mile and minute and I feel positive. I hope that this is the beginning of a new state of mind for me. I know that I am loved and I know that I am not alone. I am surrounded by loving family and friends and I always have my Heavenly Father to turn to!

I am so grateful for the opportunity that I have to go back to school. My poetry class has been a blessing to me. The time to sift through my feelings, organize them, and put them on paper has allowed me to purge my emotions. Then I am able to share them with others. I have gotten so many positive responses that it really overwhelms me!

I have one more poem about Katie to share that I will post soon!

Good things

HI!
I spent this week listening to a book called "The Shack" it is a spiritual book and I enjoyed it. It does not reflect the beliefs of my church, but the teachings in it are uplifting and positive. I noticed that while I listened and focused my thoughts on this book, my thoughts became more positive and optimistic. I have decided that many times, the way I feel is actually a choice. I am going to focus on things that uplift me and try to incorporate those things into my every day life. I don't know if this makes sense, but I am hoping that this will help me.

thanks for all your support!