It was nice to visit Katie's grave in Utah and be able to do some work to make it look nicer. I had a hard time seeing my cousin at the family reunion because she is a month older than Katie. She is a beautiful girl and very caring and giving. All I could think about was the fun the two of them would have had together. I had to go into my room and have a good cry one day, but then I felt better.
It is great to be home. I really felt back home again when I went to Sacrament Meeting at church. We had some fabulous talks that really made me reevaluate myself. I noticed that for the last couple of years I have kept people at arms length. I have never been like that before, but I guess I am worried about getting hurt. I feel like I don't have enough emotional/spiritual reserve to give to others. I am going to try to do better, but I am still scared. I guess that's when fasting and prayer comes in.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Happy Birthday Katie
Today Katie would be Fifteen!
I can't believe it. I don't have anything planned because we are trying to go to Utah tomorrow, but the more I think about it , the more I want to do something. I think we are going to have cake at her tree sometime today. I don't know when, but we will do it!
I miss her so much.
I can't believe it. I don't have anything planned because we are trying to go to Utah tomorrow, but the more I think about it , the more I want to do something. I think we are going to have cake at her tree sometime today. I don't know when, but we will do it!
I miss her so much.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
MaryLynn's Worries
MaryLynn decided to go back to counseling. I am very proud of her for making this decision. She has been crying at night and saying she misses Katie. I am not sure if that is really what is bothering her, but when I asked her if she wanted to go back to counseling she said yes. She just started last week, and she came out of her session with a big smile and a picture she drew of a princess. She is the one I have been most worried about because she has never really talked to anyone about her feelings. She tends to hold them in. I'm happy that she was willing to go back with "Ms Diane."
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Lots of things
I have thought of many things over these last few weeks that I would like to talk about on my blog, but just haven't made the time to post. I am not going to try to catch up, but just tell you about this week.
We got to host a coach from the kids soccer camp this week. He was from England and was a great guest. He seemed to fit right in to our family and I found myself enjoying having the spot that has been empty since Katie died being filled. This was a feeling that I did not expect or even consider. It was so nice to have someone here to talk with and watch our for like I would do for Katie. I didn't realize how much I would miss him until he left. It was really hard on my to see him go. Very strange because I am not usually one to be attached. I feel that him staying with us was such a blessing. It was neat to have that hole plugged for just a little while. It was a fun experience for the whole family to learn about England and soccer. (Did you know they don't have brownies or peanut butter in England? I found out about the peanut butter after I fed it to our coach. Oops!)
Anyway, on to the next adventure. Next week is Cub Scout Day Camp. Plus I will be finishing two of my three summer classes this week--Yeah!
We got to host a coach from the kids soccer camp this week. He was from England and was a great guest. He seemed to fit right in to our family and I found myself enjoying having the spot that has been empty since Katie died being filled. This was a feeling that I did not expect or even consider. It was so nice to have someone here to talk with and watch our for like I would do for Katie. I didn't realize how much I would miss him until he left. It was really hard on my to see him go. Very strange because I am not usually one to be attached. I feel that him staying with us was such a blessing. It was neat to have that hole plugged for just a little while. It was a fun experience for the whole family to learn about England and soccer. (Did you know they don't have brownies or peanut butter in England? I found out about the peanut butter after I fed it to our coach. Oops!)
Anyway, on to the next adventure. Next week is Cub Scout Day Camp. Plus I will be finishing two of my three summer classes this week--Yeah!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Missing Katie
I am not sure why, but I really have been missing Katie this week. I have thought about her many times wondering what it would be like if she was here. What is really strange is that her being dead still seems unreal to me. I don't know if it will ever really feel like a part of life. It seems weird that we had her and then we don't.
I gave blood on Tuesday and that always makes me think of her. To think of the pints and pints of blood that she needed just to survive another day, and hoping that whoever gets my blood will make it through another day.
Then we got to go to the temple on Saturday. That was such a blessing to me. We went with many friends from church and just having them with me is always special. Brad and I got to take a special part in the ceremony and I really feel that Katie was there with us. That was the strongest impression I have ever received about her and I am grateful she let me know that she was there. I just miss her so much. I am grateful to be working with the young women at church and I am sure they don't know how much I enjoying spending time with them. All I know is that Heavenly Father knows what he is doing.
Wish me luck as I begin my summer classes this week!
I gave blood on Tuesday and that always makes me think of her. To think of the pints and pints of blood that she needed just to survive another day, and hoping that whoever gets my blood will make it through another day.
Then we got to go to the temple on Saturday. That was such a blessing to me. We went with many friends from church and just having them with me is always special. Brad and I got to take a special part in the ceremony and I really feel that Katie was there with us. That was the strongest impression I have ever received about her and I am grateful she let me know that she was there. I just miss her so much. I am grateful to be working with the young women at church and I am sure they don't know how much I enjoying spending time with them. All I know is that Heavenly Father knows what he is doing.
Wish me luck as I begin my summer classes this week!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mom's Week
I started posting on the family blog, and realized that most of my news this week is about me! How do you like that?
So, I got my check in the mail this week from the article that will be published in the Friend magazine. I couldn't believe it, because I figured I wouldn't be paid until it was actually published. That was pretty cool. I guess I am officially a professional writer!
Friday, Brad and I got to ride our bikes to a friend's house for dinner. It was so fun (both the ride and the dinner). Here is a picture of me on my "new" bike. I really like it, it is low enough for me to reach the ground! I rode on the highway (65 Mph) and in the dark for the first time. It was nice because I could just follow Brad, so it wasn't as scary. The bike rides really smoothly. I hope to take it to class next week (I just hope is is not going to rain all week, again!)
And--here is great news: I got a grant for next year's schooling! It will pay for almost half of my tuition! I am so excited. I didn't think I would be getting anything, and I almost didn't fill out the forms. Good thing I did!
Saturday, I went to Boston with two friends. We went to the LDS temple there. It was a great drive and was so nice to spend time with friends.
So, I got my check in the mail this week from the article that will be published in the Friend magazine. I couldn't believe it, because I figured I wouldn't be paid until it was actually published. That was pretty cool. I guess I am officially a professional writer!
Friday, Brad and I got to ride our bikes to a friend's house for dinner. It was so fun (both the ride and the dinner). Here is a picture of me on my "new" bike. I really like it, it is low enough for me to reach the ground! I rode on the highway (65 Mph) and in the dark for the first time. It was nice because I could just follow Brad, so it wasn't as scary. The bike rides really smoothly. I hope to take it to class next week (I just hope is is not going to rain all week, again!)And--here is great news: I got a grant for next year's schooling! It will pay for almost half of my tuition! I am so excited. I didn't think I would be getting anything, and I almost didn't fill out the forms. Good thing I did!
Saturday, I went to Boston with two friends. We went to the LDS temple there. It was a great drive and was so nice to spend time with friends.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
I forgot
I forgot to tell you about Fast and Testimony meeting today.
It was one of those days when you sit and enjoy everyone's testimony, and fight that stomach rolling that means you need to get up, too. I am usually pretty good at fighting it off, but I couldn't do it today. Many people talked about the blessings of prayer and I felt like we had a themed testimony meeting. I knew I needed to share my feelings about prayer.
I have to admit, although I didn't in church, that I have been pretty lax in this area lately. It was kind of my way of "getting back" at Heavenly Father for taking Katie. I just figured that if he knows best then he might as well just do it and I will just wait on the sidelines for it to be done! Anyway, I recently realized that my temper tantrum had actually turned into laziness. I wasn't praying because I was too lazy to pray. I have since tried to do better and am mostly succeeding!
So, I decided to share some of my feelings about prayer, starting with the prayers that don't get answered the way you think they should. This is a sore point to me, of course. It hurts to hear about the mirales that occur everyday through faith and prayer. I know we couldn't have done any more than we did for our Katie, yet she was taken from us anyway. That means that another level of faith has to begin. Somehow we have to turn our will over to Heavenly Father. We have to believe that He knows best and to let his will bless our lives.
I do have a testimony of the power of prayer. Many times in my life I have felt the love and concern of others surrounding me and pushing me through the rough times. I am grateful for the emotional and spiritual support of my friends and family and that is all I can ask for. Thank you for positive thoughts!
It was one of those days when you sit and enjoy everyone's testimony, and fight that stomach rolling that means you need to get up, too. I am usually pretty good at fighting it off, but I couldn't do it today. Many people talked about the blessings of prayer and I felt like we had a themed testimony meeting. I knew I needed to share my feelings about prayer.
I have to admit, although I didn't in church, that I have been pretty lax in this area lately. It was kind of my way of "getting back" at Heavenly Father for taking Katie. I just figured that if he knows best then he might as well just do it and I will just wait on the sidelines for it to be done! Anyway, I recently realized that my temper tantrum had actually turned into laziness. I wasn't praying because I was too lazy to pray. I have since tried to do better and am mostly succeeding!
So, I decided to share some of my feelings about prayer, starting with the prayers that don't get answered the way you think they should. This is a sore point to me, of course. It hurts to hear about the mirales that occur everyday through faith and prayer. I know we couldn't have done any more than we did for our Katie, yet she was taken from us anyway. That means that another level of faith has to begin. Somehow we have to turn our will over to Heavenly Father. We have to believe that He knows best and to let his will bless our lives.
I do have a testimony of the power of prayer. Many times in my life I have felt the love and concern of others surrounding me and pushing me through the rough times. I am grateful for the emotional and spiritual support of my friends and family and that is all I can ask for. Thank you for positive thoughts!
New Calling
I can't believe it, I have finally joined the family calling.
I was set apart as the Secretary in the Young Women's group at church. (My sister and sister-in-law both hold this same calling--funny huh?)
Well, I was very excited to find out about this calling because I have been wanting to work with the young women for a long time. I do feel a little funny about it though, because I wonder if I got the calling because I whined enough to get it. I was finally feeling happy about being in the Nursery. It was fun to work with the other women and to enjoy playing with the little ones. But I am looking forward to the new challenge. We'll see how it will fit into our hectic lives.
Oh, I am trying to write a couple of articles for Girl's Life. I also sent out some of my poems to a magazine called "Living with Loss." Cross your fingers for me!
I was set apart as the Secretary in the Young Women's group at church. (My sister and sister-in-law both hold this same calling--funny huh?)
Well, I was very excited to find out about this calling because I have been wanting to work with the young women for a long time. I do feel a little funny about it though, because I wonder if I got the calling because I whined enough to get it. I was finally feeling happy about being in the Nursery. It was fun to work with the other women and to enjoy playing with the little ones. But I am looking forward to the new challenge. We'll see how it will fit into our hectic lives.
Oh, I am trying to write a couple of articles for Girl's Life. I also sent out some of my poems to a magazine called "Living with Loss." Cross your fingers for me!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Our Anniversary
Hi to all:
Yesterday went just like I wanted it to. I took the kids to school and then came home to think about Katie. I watched her slideshow, looked at scrapbooks and wrote in my journal. I let myself cry for an hour or so, and somewhere in there I wrote a poem. I will post the poem after it has been workshopped in class. Then when I picked up the kids from school, I was ready to face the day. Brad, JJ, and I went out to lunch and enjoyed being together. And our family went to art class. We got to make covers for a journal and wrote a poem about Katie using the letters in her name. The kids all had a great time thinking of words to describe Katie. JJ used "Kuckoo Crazy" and "teasing." Nathan used "Kool" and "tight." MaryLynn was too busy drawing an elephant (which was very cute, by the way) to write her poem.
So, we made it through the first day, but I know for the kids that Easter is going to be the hard day. I didn't even say anything to them about it yesterday, because I figure they will go through it on Easter and they didn't need to go through it twice. I hope the weather will be nice then, I would like to have a picnic by Katie's tree.
Thanks for everyone who had us in their thoughts yesterday. Thanks for all the sweet emails, texts, and letters. Having all the support around us makes this so much easier. One year down!
Yesterday went just like I wanted it to. I took the kids to school and then came home to think about Katie. I watched her slideshow, looked at scrapbooks and wrote in my journal. I let myself cry for an hour or so, and somewhere in there I wrote a poem. I will post the poem after it has been workshopped in class. Then when I picked up the kids from school, I was ready to face the day. Brad, JJ, and I went out to lunch and enjoyed being together. And our family went to art class. We got to make covers for a journal and wrote a poem about Katie using the letters in her name. The kids all had a great time thinking of words to describe Katie. JJ used "Kuckoo Crazy" and "teasing." Nathan used "Kool" and "tight." MaryLynn was too busy drawing an elephant (which was very cute, by the way) to write her poem.
So, we made it through the first day, but I know for the kids that Easter is going to be the hard day. I didn't even say anything to them about it yesterday, because I figure they will go through it on Easter and they didn't need to go through it twice. I hope the weather will be nice then, I would like to have a picnic by Katie's tree.
Thanks for everyone who had us in their thoughts yesterday. Thanks for all the sweet emails, texts, and letters. Having all the support around us makes this so much easier. One year down!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
School Stress
Ok, if you know me at all, you know I like to stress.
I found out about a Senior Seminar that I really wanted to take, but found out that it would fill up quickly. I emailed and talked to lots of people, trying to get a spot in this class. After I got on every one's nerves, I found out they cancelled this class. I was so disappointed. Then, I decided I would wait until Spring to take my Senior Seminar, so that I could get something I really wanted. I rearranged my schedule and then found out about a class that I would love to take (Writing for Children and Young Adults). Now, I am waiting to find out if I can get credits for this class. Then I will have to rearrange my schedule again.
I know, I am crazy, What else is new?
I found out about a Senior Seminar that I really wanted to take, but found out that it would fill up quickly. I emailed and talked to lots of people, trying to get a spot in this class. After I got on every one's nerves, I found out they cancelled this class. I was so disappointed. Then, I decided I would wait until Spring to take my Senior Seminar, so that I could get something I really wanted. I rearranged my schedule and then found out about a class that I would love to take (Writing for Children and Young Adults). Now, I am waiting to find out if I can get credits for this class. Then I will have to rearrange my schedule again.
I know, I am crazy, What else is new?
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Anniversary Coming
Hi!
I have had a few people ask me about Katie's Anniversary. If anyone is interested in dropping by to visit, we would love that on Sunday the 22nd after about 2:00 in the afternoon. We can look at pictures and just visit.
I am hoping on Monday the 23rd to have a quiet day at home. I don't work or go to school, so I am planning on working on a poem to commemorate this past year.
Thanks for thinking of us!
I have had a few people ask me about Katie's Anniversary. If anyone is interested in dropping by to visit, we would love that on Sunday the 22nd after about 2:00 in the afternoon. We can look at pictures and just visit.
I am hoping on Monday the 23rd to have a quiet day at home. I don't work or go to school, so I am planning on working on a poem to commemorate this past year.
Thanks for thinking of us!
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Rough Day
Hi,
I think it's going to be rough, the closer I get to her year death date. I can't believe it has almost been a year. It has been almost a whole year since I got to see her, hold her, talk to her. And this is just the beginning. I have the rest of my life to go.
I left church early today, because I just needed to be alone. It was good. I cried a lot and looked at her pictures and just missed her.
I still can't believe this happened to us. It truly seems unreal. I don't know if it will ever seem like a real part of my life.
I just miss her so much!
I think it's going to be rough, the closer I get to her year death date. I can't believe it has almost been a year. It has been almost a whole year since I got to see her, hold her, talk to her. And this is just the beginning. I have the rest of my life to go.
I left church early today, because I just needed to be alone. It was good. I cried a lot and looked at her pictures and just missed her.
I still can't believe this happened to us. It truly seems unreal. I don't know if it will ever seem like a real part of my life.
I just miss her so much!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
My Utah Trip
Here is Katie's headstone. If you look close you can see the pansies I planted inside the cement block. There was a hole that went right down into the soil. We will see if they live.Hi to all:
Sorry it has been so long. I have been crazy (I know, what is new?) Anyway, I also went to Utah for a week--with NO kids!! It was great. I got to spend time with my mom and sisters and I visited Katie's grave. It was the first time I have seen her headstone in person. It was really nice. It was one easy headstone to find. It was so different than all the others around it!
I also finished my online course this week. That one was a killer! I am hoping for an A, but I am pretty sure I will be getting a B *sigh* there goes my 4.0! I will be perfectly happy with a B in that class-it was a hard one.
We went on a couple of hikes. It was perfect weather, unlike back home. We got to visit and laugh and be outside! I think this time of year was perfect for southern Utah! Oh, this is a picture of me in front of some Indian petroglyphs.
Here are the three sisters! (Don't tell anyone we were up here, I don't think we were supposed to leave the trail!)
We spent the day in Las Vegas. We went the Bodies Exhibit. It was really cool, but you can't take any pictures inside, so this is all I've got. I learned some new things and saw some really neat stuff. We all wished we had more medical training to understand more, but it was educational.
Mostly, I tried to decompress and let myself feel what I needed to. I think I would have liked some more time to myself, but I can't complain about spending time with my sisters and mom. It was so great!
So now, I'm back to real life--wish me luck!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Grades
I finally got my final grades for my fall classes.
I got two A's!!! I should print my transcript, cause I don't think I will have a 4.0 after this online class I am taking.
It is hard!
I got two A's!!! I should print my transcript, cause I don't think I will have a 4.0 after this online class I am taking.
It is hard!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Wondering
I have really been struggling lately and wondering what exactly the Lord expects from us. I truly believe that all he wants is the best we can give, but I know that only God can judge what is our best. I have been feeling like it really doesn't matter what I do, because whatever is going to happen is going to happen, and there is nothing I can do that will change it. I do have faith in the Lord and I believe that he has a plan for me. What can I do that will change God's plan? I can't and I really don't want to, so is there something wrong with just trusting the Lord and living my life? I feel like I have been "trying to hard" throughout my life. I have been trying to be perfect in all the things I do, but I don't think that matters as much as what is in my heart. Does God work on a point system? If I pray and read my scriptures then I am more worthy to get blessing than someone who doesn't do those things? Should I do those things just because I am "supposed" to? I want to have the peace that comes with the love of the Lord, what do I need to do to deserve it? I am not sure I am making any sense, but I would love some input from others. Let me know what you think.
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