Her Birthday Brings Meditation

Saturday, Aug 3rd, was the birthday of my daughter who passed away five and a half years ago. She would have turned nineteen. It seems so old. She would have finished her first year of college and perhaps been preparing to go on a mission for our church.
It has been long enough now for me to look back and see the ways my life has been affected through Katie's death. The biggest way, of course, is that we miss her every day. But, there are some lessons I have learned that I would like to share.

1) I had the opportunity to grow closer to the spirit.

As I tried to work my way through the fog of sadness and despair, it was the spirit that strengthened me. I know that through the gift of the temple our family will be together forever. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan and that he loves me. I chose to hang onto that thread of faith to pull myself through the fear and doubt. I had never had to give all of my trust to any being before. But through this experience I came to love and trust my Heavenly Father completely.

2) Nathan has the opportunity to become more mature and responsible.

I have no way of knowing what Nathan would have been like if Katie had lived. But after she died, he became the oldest. He took on that rule seriously. He watches out for his sisters in such a way that even the teachers at school notice. He has become a responsible leader and not afraid to volunteer when he is needed at school or at church.

3) I have the opportunity to cherish my children in a different way.

I don't call myself an emotional person, but knowing that my children are not a permanent fixture in my life has changed the way I look at them. I try to cherish every moment I have with them and realize that I may not have them for long.

4) I have been able to share in the accomplishments of Katie's friends.

Katie's friends have been so generous in sharing their lives with me. I am so grateful when I hear how successful they are. I get to cheer them on in their pursuits and be frustrated with them when things don't work out they way they should. I feel so blessed that they let me tag along in their lives.

5) I have been able to understand the pain of losing a child.

Anyone who has lost a child has been welcomed into the club that no one wants to belong to. But it is a small comfort to know that you are not the only one to go through this unbelievable trial. I have been able to connect with others who have lost a child and to pass on some tiny encouragement. Please know that you will feel better, that life does keep going, and your child is waiting for you.