Prisons come in all shapes

Our family toured the prison on Alcatraz Island for part of a family reunion this weekend. We had done some reading about the prison before we visited and were excited to see what else we would learn. When we arrived, we found the tours they offer are not done personally but through an audio tour. I was disappointed, but took the headphones and moved on.

To my surprise the audio tour was very well done with different voices and background noises that made the tour come alive. As I wandered through the prison, following the instructions of the recorded voice, I realized that I was here with my children, but yet, not really experiencing the tour together.

That's when I grasped the significance of the choice to use audio recorders vs a live tour guide. (Okay, I understand the reasons are more practical, like cost and language availability, but go with me on this.) By giving us headphones and marching us around the prison through commands, we began to experience what it may have been like to have freedom taken away.

I also began to understand a little of what it must feel like to be around hundreds of other people, but never able to interact with them. The prisoners were not allowed to talk to each other except in the rec yard, and were kept in separate cells at all times. I was experiencing one of our nations most visited attractions with my extended family, but the most I could do was wave as we passed each other, afraid I would miss something in the recording.

"You were a number, you weren't a name: I wasn't Jim Quillen. Hell, I was Number 586 and nobody wanted that." What was it like to be treated as a number with no ability to connect with other humans?

Alcatraz is a prison of stone and bars, yet prisons come in all shapes and sizes.

As we prepared for our trip to Alcatraz, one of the books we read was Al Capone Does My Shirts, by Gennifer Choldenko, a historical fiction novel written for ages 10 to 14. One of the main characters is a 16-year-old girl with autism. The book takes place in 1935 when there was no understanding of this medical condition.

Choldenko allows you to experience what this girl must have felt as she was locked in her own prison by autism.She is not able to interact with the people around her and many times her mind does not allow her to make decisions.

What prisons do you see around you? Do some people choose to relegate themselves to prison? Have you ever felt like a prisoner, cut off from those around you physically or mentally?

Her Birthday Brings Meditation

Saturday, Aug 3rd, was the birthday of my daughter who passed away five and a half years ago. She would have turned nineteen. It seems so old. She would have finished her first year of college and perhaps been preparing to go on a mission for our church.
It has been long enough now for me to look back and see the ways my life has been affected through Katie's death. The biggest way, of course, is that we miss her every day. But, there are some lessons I have learned that I would like to share.

1) I had the opportunity to grow closer to the spirit.

As I tried to work my way through the fog of sadness and despair, it was the spirit that strengthened me. I know that through the gift of the temple our family will be together forever. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan and that he loves me. I chose to hang onto that thread of faith to pull myself through the fear and doubt. I had never had to give all of my trust to any being before. But through this experience I came to love and trust my Heavenly Father completely.

2) Nathan has the opportunity to become more mature and responsible.

I have no way of knowing what Nathan would have been like if Katie had lived. But after she died, he became the oldest. He took on that rule seriously. He watches out for his sisters in such a way that even the teachers at school notice. He has become a responsible leader and not afraid to volunteer when he is needed at school or at church.

3) I have the opportunity to cherish my children in a different way.

I don't call myself an emotional person, but knowing that my children are not a permanent fixture in my life has changed the way I look at them. I try to cherish every moment I have with them and realize that I may not have them for long.

4) I have been able to share in the accomplishments of Katie's friends.

Katie's friends have been so generous in sharing their lives with me. I am so grateful when I hear how successful they are. I get to cheer them on in their pursuits and be frustrated with them when things don't work out they way they should. I feel so blessed that they let me tag along in their lives.

5) I have been able to understand the pain of losing a child.

Anyone who has lost a child has been welcomed into the club that no one wants to belong to. But it is a small comfort to know that you are not the only one to go through this unbelievable trial. I have been able to connect with others who have lost a child and to pass on some tiny encouragement. Please know that you will feel better, that life does keep going, and your child is waiting for you.