Are You Being Selfless or Oblivious?

I had a conversation with my boss this week that got me thinking. Sometimes, when we try to be selfless, we teach lessons to others that we don't mean to teach. 
Women have a bad habit of putting themselves last on the list (some men do too). We think we are doing the right thing by looking out for everyone else first. We are told things like, “You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others,” but we don’t really believe it. We feel guilty when we use time or resources for ourselves. 

Here’s what we are teaching others when we ALWAYS put others first.

1)      It’s okay to put me last. Why would anyone ever think of you or your needs if you don’t? You are teaching others that you want to be last on the list. Don’t expect thoughtful acts from others because you taught them you are supposed to be last.

2)      I don’t value the gift you are offering me. If you constantly refuse offers of help or gifts, they will stop coming. Others will decide you don’t want their help and leave you to fend for yourself. You are teaching them that their efforts don’t matter.

3)      I can handle everything, I don’t need you. When you wonder why you are constantly feeling overwhelmed and overworked, maybe you should consider what you taught the people around you. They think you've got it, no reason to worry.

4)      This is the way you have to act to be a “good” mom (or worker, or wife, etc). This especially worries me when thinking about what moms are teaching their daughters. Are we teaching them that a mom must give all and take nothing for herself? This thought for her future could either cause your daughter to dread being a mother or teach her to repeat your actions.

Being a mother is a selfless choice. And being unselfish is a virtue, but the things we teach those around us have consequences. 

The next time you are tempted to put yourself last in the line-up, consider: What am I teaching?

My Contract With Myself

I truly thought getting my kids to the take-care-of-yourself stage meant I was home free. All the hard part of parenting was done, right?

Well, this year my oldest son turned fifteen and started high school. He'll even start driving soon. He's growing up, and I'm not sure how to parent a young man, it makes parenting toddlers look like child's play.

I'm not sure what I'm doing most of the time, and many times I realize later the choices I made weren't so good.

But here's my contract with myself knowing I have a teen and two more just behind:

1) I will support my teen, but not enable him. I will allow him to make his own decisions and face the consequences of those choices (as long as he is safe and headed in a generally good direction).

2) I will tell him and show him I love him often. I will give him sincere compliments when he does well.

3) I will make sure he knows what is expected of him and the results of meeting or not meeting those expectations.

4) I will get to know his friends and understand how important friendships are at this point in his life. I will let him be with his friends as much as possible without giving up precious family time.

5) I will trust him when I can and be honest with him when I can't. I will have filters on computers and phones that I will check regularly to keep my entire family safe.

6) I will do my best to make good judgments as a loving parent. I will give myself a break when things don't go the way I would like. I will learn from and admit my mistakes.

7) I will take responsibility for my actions and allow my teen to take responsibility for his. 

8) I will always remember how lucky I am to have him.

Do you have pointers for this new parent of a teen? What should I worry about? What should I let slide?

Cause I'm Happy

I have had some reasons to consider happiness lately, and when I read the article about the science of happiness, I began thinking about what happiness means to me.

See if you agree:

Happiness is achieving a goal.

I was so proud and happy to finish and publish my 

book on scripture study for families. 

Buy on Amazon

Happiness is doing something you always wanted to do.
It took me over twenty years, but getting my college degree was something I always wanted to achieve.





Happiness is taking time away.
I wish we would have done more camping this summer. Spending time with my family away from the crazy business of life was rejuvenating.

Happiness is spending time with people who make you happy.
I'm finally old enough to begin deciding who adds to my happiness and who takes away from it. It is so freeing to begin choosing the people who I would like to be around. I want to spend time with those who help me be better.

Happiness is helping others.
Have you ever noticed how much better you feel when you reach out to others? What a great way to use your time.

Why Being Sick is a Great Thing

So, I haven't been sick for years. (Really, years.) Sometimes I think I just don't have time to get sick. This weekend I started feeling bad on Friday. By Saturday, I was snuggled up in bed with piles of tissues and hot herbal tea. But, guess what? It was like a mini vacation.

1) I got to sleep as much as I wanted. My kids tease me about this all the time. I LOVE to sleep. It was great to have the kids open the door, check on me and tiptoe out to let me sleep. 

2) It felt good to skip some "extra" stuff in our constantly packed schedule. I sent the rest of the family, but I just stayed home and relaxed.

3) Don't laugh at this one: people didn't want to be near me. Aahhh, personal space.


4) I got to lay in bed snuggled up watching movies for a day and a half. Oh, the laziness.

5) When my son was in kindergarten, he broke his leg and had surgery. He was in a Navy hospital where they didn't deal with kids all that often. He was pretty spoiled by the nurses. One day he burst out with, "Finally, I've got my own servants." Wellll, now I know what he means. The family was so sweet. My husband got me anything I needed. He even went out to get me a salad from Subway at 9:00 at night.

Sad news, my vacation is over. Back to real life. I guess that's not all bad news: it means I'm feeling good again. But, I'm not dreading the next time I get sick, in fact, I'm kind of hoping it happens before another "X" years go by. Don't be surprised if our family takes a "sick" weekend sometime soon.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Fall is here!

I don't know if I have always enjoyed changes or if that happened from being a Navy wife. (Talk about changes.) But I love changes. I love the chance to start over, start something new.

How grateful I am to live in an area with the change of seasons. The days are shorter now, and cooler. It is a joy to be outside once again. I feel invigorated and ready for a fresh fall start.

Let's not wait for New Years to roll around to make some positive changes. Here's my Fresh Fall Start goals:

1) Work on our backyard. Plant some new bushes and grasses. Get going on our rock path.

2) Walk the dog every morning for 3 miles.

3) Get my book published and marketed.

4) Start school again. I'm taking science classes, so wish me luck!

Notice there is nothing in there about a cleaner house or better cooked meals- there is a limit, you know.

What are your Fresh Fall Start goals?

Life's Vortex

I stood behind the McDonald’s counter, watching my friend pull her hand out of the bucket of pickles.

“It stings,” she complained.

She turned her arm over to revel, yet again

Five, always five, serrated marks striping her wrist.

I sat in the locker room watching another friend run her hand over her stomach.

“Why am I so fat?” she complained.

She turned sideways to revel her concave stomach. She ate

One, only one, apple for lunch every day.

I gripped the phone tighter as the story spilled out

“He’s dead,” she complained.

Then went on to revel that he shot himself on her doorstep.

Too, too much pain.

Now I watch as my kids grow, no longer children.

“Why?” they complain.

Then they turn to revel fleeting innocence.

None, I pray, none will be caught in life’s vortex.

Why Camping Is a Necessity

If anyone has been around me for any amount of time for the past few months, you may have noticed some pretty tight strings pulled almost to the point of breaking. Surprisingly, one weekend of camping has done wonders for my "eight day clock."

Here's my 10 reasons why camping is a necessity these days.

10) We can actually afford it.
We already had our camping gear, so that is not a cost. We had to buy food, be we would have to do that anyway. We camped on National Forest Service land, it is free. We had to buy firewood (which we didn't plan ahead, so it was more than it should have been- lesson learned). And gas to get us there and back. That's it!

9) Calories don't count when you are camping.
Speaking of buying food:  I'll admit it, I tend to buy more treats like soda and candy when we are camping. We didn't go crazy on it, but it's ok. The calories can't find you when you are out in the wilderness.

8) We had a natural lullaby.
I slept so good. We camped right by a stream. There is nothing better than hearing the rushing stream as you drift off to sleep. And I know it's a cliche but the fresh air does wonders for sleep problems. (Of course, it's a bonus that all the kids are old enough to take themselves to the bathroom, I don't need to accompany them on the dark trek to the loo.)

7) I get to just "be."
How often can you just sit and do nothing without being bombarded with worries about everything that needs to be done? When you are camping, all that matters is the immediate needs. What a great way to leave stress behind.

6) No one is "watching" me.
This kind of goes along with the last one. I didn't even bring make-up or hair stuff with me. I brought toothpaste and toothbrush and a hairbrush and a hat. I walked around in camp in my PJ's when I felt like it. I let the kids be dirty and snack and run and play. It was a great feeling to know there was no one there to judge me. I was just me.

5) Our family was unplugged without a fight.
Normally, my role at home is the electronic police. I get so tired of telling the kids to get off the computer, turn off the tv, put the tablet away. We didn't have any electronics with us. (Actually, MaryLynn brought her gameboy along. She didn't play it except a tiny bit at night. She did bring it to the lake and wanted to play it instead of getting wet. I stopped that by telling her I would throw it in the lake if she turned it on again. I would have done it and she knew it. She turned it off.) There was no internet access, no 3G, no cell service. It was heaven!

4) No gym needed.
Even though I enjoyed sitting still, the cool thing about camping is that you have to move. The kids ran and played all day long everyday. I promise you our 9 month old puppy grinned the entire weekend. He got to run free and even found a buddy in the next campsite to romp with. (He was dirty, dirty, dirty, but there was no one around to judge me for that either.) We hiked, played in the lake, chopped wood, cooked dinner, cleaned up, played games . . . Wow! we actually moved our bodies.

3) A wonderful way to spend our 22nd Wedding Anniversary.
We tend to slip into an easy life of doing what needs to be done and forget about each other. Camping brought us together as a team. We worked side by side to set up camp, start fires, cook meals, clean up the meals, hike together, play games, and break camp. We remembered how good it feels to be one. Happy Anniversary, Honey.

2) I have a confession.
I HATE to cook and (only slightly less well known, is this one:) I don't like cleaning up either. However, I actually enjoyed both on our camping trip. There was nothing else that needed to be done, and I could just enjoy the experience. I didn't bother the kids to help. They were enjoying their fun together. My husband and I did the cooking and cleaning together. It reminded me that these actions are service to my family, one way I can show my love for them. (Maybe we should have hot dogs and pita pizzas all the time.)

1) It is the ultimate game of Hide-and-seek.
One of the kids favorite things to do on our camping trip is to play different versions of hide and seek. Guess who I was hiding from? All of you! Not literally, but I couldn't get a phone call, email, text, or facebook message. I couldn't get caught up on facebook. I couldn't get buried under my mound of junk mail that needs to be deleted everyday. I couldn't see my house and feel frustrated at everything that will never be done. No one could find me. It was a weekend of freedom.

Yes, it was all waiting for me when we got home. We are back to normal life. In fact, as I type this, I'm sure my kids are sneaking into the TV room to watch netflix hoping I won't catch them. I've checked my email three times during as I composed this blog. I had to take a break to rotate the MOUNDS of laundry we brought home.


 However, for now, I may have learned some things. I'm running out the door right now to take my kids to a movie! I'll come back later to finish and add photos. My kids are waiting!

Do You Need a New Bra?

I was so excited to spend this weekend with my sisters and my mom, for our scheduled, girl's weekend. We did lots of girly stuff including shopping for a new bra. 

My sister mentioned that she had never been measured. At my mom's urging, she stepped forward and the sales associate measured her.
"Looks like you measure a D or double D."
"What?" my sister pointed at her chest and said, "These aren't D's." The associate just smiled and said, "Give it a try." 
She did, and was shocked at the transformation in the mirror. My sister then checked the old stretched-out bra she had taken off and burst out laughing. "I've been wearing an A cup!"


Why am I telling you this story? My sister has been wearing the same size bra since she was a teenager, never mind that she has lived a life including the birth and nursing of three boys. She got caught up in doing the same thing she had always done. She forgot that things change, sometimes you have to stop and measure. 


What has been the same too long in your life? Just because you have always done it that way, should you stop and consider a different way? Are you letting yourself feel squeezed and misshapen just because it has always been that way? 

Stop, take a measurement. You might be surprised!

When Your Dreams Take a Detour

When I was about eight, my older brother decided that he wanted a tree house. He bugged my parents and wouldn't give up. There was one problem: We didn't have ANY trees even close to big enough for a tree house. In fact, the only tree we had was a tiny sapling almost big enough for some shade. However, my brother  happened to be the kind of person that would fixate on something until it was accomplished. So, my mom told him if he wanted it bad enough he would find a way to make it happen.

That begun the daily bike rides about two miles away, sometimes with lumber, hammers, and nails, to a neighbor's house. This couple had plenty of full grown trees and no little children at home anymore. Sometime my sister and I would follow on our bikes. There was already a perfectly good tree house in a tree in their backyard and we would spend hours playing in the ready-made play house, while my brother toiled away trying to build his own house in a different tree. 

Our way was easier and we sure had a good time, but looking back on it, my brother was the one who worked and learned. He was the one who got to enjoy something he built with his own hands. He didn't let the fact that we didn't have a tree stop him. He found a way to make it happen, he didn't take the easy way, he did the work.

Well, about a year ago I began an expedition to my tree house (otherwise known as pursuing my writing). My husband has always been so patient with my great plans and dreams. He lets me follow them and change plans when needed, without judging or letting his frustration show. My tree house is just not shaping up like I thought it would, it is time to decide what I'm going to do when I grow up. Maybe there is another way to build my tree house.

After much prayer and looking at many options, I have decided to apply to Dental Hygienist school. I can already see you all screaming, "WHAT?" 

I know, it's a new one, but it's a way I can build my tree house, and enjoy playing in it when it's finished. This career is a great way to make enough money to help out my family and to still have time to work on my writing, since almost all hygienists work part-time.

I have already started taking my pre-reqs and will apply to the school in February. It is really scary, since they only accept 18 students a year. But I believe if it is the right path for me, it will happen.

Julia is not happy about me going back to school. She remembers what I went through a few years ago when I finished by bachelor's degree, but I know my family is behind me in my new adventure.

This is not the path I had planned to take, but if it means I get my tree house, I'm ready to do the work!