Twilight

I got to go out with my girlfriends this morning and see Twilight! I love the series and was so excited to see the movie. All in all I thought it was very well done. I loved the high school scenes. They seemed pretty realistic to me. We would all laugh at those scenes because they were sooo high school. The whole obsessive love between Bella and Edward was almost spooky. They did a great job portraying the helpless connection between the two. In my opinion the best casting was Alice and Jacob. I think Jacob is way cute.

The one thing that surprised me was my reaction to the movie. I cried through parts of it. I think it was partly because I read these books to Katie in the hospital, so it reminded me of her. But the main thing was thinking about how much she would love these movies and I would love to have her sitting by me watching them. I just miss her so much!

Joy in the Journey

I was so happy to go to church yesterday and hear the lesson given by Pres Monson about having "joy in the journey."

Of course, I have to add that sometimes those lessons annoy me. You know, the whole, find the positive in all your trials. yeah, you try finding the positive in your daughter dieing. That is a tough one. All I can do now is just be grateful for what I still have. I know my life is changing and I am not sure where it is going.

But, I think I was ready to hear this lesson and it is something I have been working on lately. I want to enjoy my life the way it is instead of just making it day to day. I love spending time with my kids and I hope they feel that too.

During the lesson, our teacher asked how do we find happiness when we are being beat up by life. Someone answered, just decide to be happy. She asked if that was all we had to do. I answered that "Yes, it is as easy as that. We need to decide how we want to live our lives. It is a choice." As the lesson progressed and people responded to questions, I realized that my answer was only part of the solution. The beginning part. Once we decide that we want our life to be like, we have to take steps to make our life happy. Of course, for each of us those steps will be different. In my life I need to work on relying more on Christ and his ability to heal all wounds.
I kind of feel bad that my answer about just deciding to be happy was not the entire truth. I know that there is more to it, but for me the realization of making the decision to be happy made such a difference in my depression. I hope to keep my forward motion going. I think Katie would be proud of me.

Crazy days coming

The next few weeks are going to be crazy. I have to finish my poetry portfolio (I still need to write two poems). I have a final paper due in Asian-American Literature. And my first time in a long time, I will be singing in front of an audience and not in the choir. I also just got my final assignment for my Writing for Children's Class- it is supposed to be done by the end of December. We'll see if it happens.

How I Wish We Didn't Hate Those Years While We Lived Them

That is a quote from an author named Li-Young Lee from poetry class. I love that quote. You know, we are where we are in life and hating it is not going to change anything. The one thing we can do is find "joy in the journey (Pres Monson's talk this conference)" That is what I am working on. I want to truly enjoy spending time with my kids. I am not very good at it, for some reason I feel like I am wasting time when I am not "getting anything done." But what is more important than the relationship I have with my family?

The last couple of weeks, I feel like I am just growing and changing as if I am a baby. My mind has been going a mile and minute and I feel positive. I hope that this is the beginning of a new state of mind for me. I know that I am loved and I know that I am not alone. I am surrounded by loving family and friends and I always have my Heavenly Father to turn to!

I am so grateful for the opportunity that I have to go back to school. My poetry class has been a blessing to me. The time to sift through my feelings, organize them, and put them on paper has allowed me to purge my emotions. Then I am able to share them with others. I have gotten so many positive responses that it really overwhelms me!

I have one more poem about Katie to share that I will post soon!

Good things

HI!
I spent this week listening to a book called "The Shack" it is a spiritual book and I enjoyed it. It does not reflect the beliefs of my church, but the teachings in it are uplifting and positive. I noticed that while I listened and focused my thoughts on this book, my thoughts became more positive and optimistic. I have decided that many times, the way I feel is actually a choice. I am going to focus on things that uplift me and try to incorporate those things into my every day life. I don't know if this makes sense, but I am hoping that this will help me.

thanks for all your support!

Will life ever be the same?

I went to counseling on Wed and for the first time ever I came away feeling worse than when I went in. I realized that I still have a big pile of grief and feelings to work through. I am so good at pretending that everything is fine, that I start believing it myself. However, I am not going to sit down and cry just because I think I "should."

So I am just stressing myself out trying to do everything!

Yesterday, I had a great talk with my poetry professor and teaching assistant. We were talking about "obsessive subjects." That is not a bad thing. It just means that you think about certain things a lot and want to write about them. I talked about Katie and how she died and what we went through as a family. I think that is the first time that I have shared so much about the actual experience of being in the hospital and watching Katie die with "strangers." It felt really good. I said what I wanted to and they were such great listeners. Then I got into my car and cried the whole way home. It was nice to just let it all go and scream and cry. I wish that there was an end to this whole thing, but I know there isn't.

Then to add to my craziness--I am thinking about quiting my job. I don't feel like I am giving my kids what they need. I am not there for them when they need me. I am too busy doing my homework or cleaning the house or preparing my cub scout lesson, or whatever. I don't want to quite, but I think it is the right thing.

What do you think?

Look at me go!

I had a great time riding my scooter today. It is amazing the difference a little bit of experience makes. There was still a couple of scary moments, but mostly it was just plain fun!

I think I am really going to enjoy having the scooter to drive around. I am looking forward to next year when it warms up. I will be able to take the kids for short rides and maybe run my errands on it.

I am officially signed up for the motorcycle safety course. We'll see how that goes.

Marching Along

I really should be getting some other things done, but since I haven't blogged in a while I thought I would catch up on a few things.

First--I got an A on my first paper! I am so excited! Yeah for me.

Second--I drove the scooter to school on Thursday. It was actually kind of scary in parts. I really don't like going over 45 MPH on that thing. I am hoping that with practice it will not be so scary. Of course I won't be able to ride it much longer with winter coming up. I will ride on Tuesdays because I am done with class by 4:00. Thursdays I have class untill 6:45-so it is starting to get dark. I actually chickened out and had Brad come and get me on Thursday. I rode the scooter half way then he picked me up and I drove the van the rest of the way home. Anyway, I think I can do it. It is going to take some nerve and some practice. Wish me luck.

Third--I made it through the six month mark without too much issues. I did have a great friend come over and sit with me that night. We just talked and laughed and I ignored the "whole Katie thing". It is so hard for me to be a cry baby in front of other people (even when I want to). I heard that Katie's gym in Washington put some pick elephants on the banners that bare her name. I sure hope I get a picture of that. That means so much to me. It makes me feel like she will always be remembered there.

Thanks for listening!

Six Months

Guess what tomorrow is? It will be six months since I lost my beautiful girl. I am sure I won't have time to write tomorrow, so I thought I would give some of my thoughts tonight. I think I have moved on to another phase in my grieving. I don't think I like it though. For a long time I would see the photos of Katie, or see her clothes or her favorite toys and smile. But now, It just hurts inside -I almost feel angry. I guess I feel cheated. There is nothing I can do, but go about my "normal" life. Then, something someone says or does reminds me of Katie, and the knife in my heart is just twisted once again. I am sure this is nothing new to people going through this kind of grief, but it is new to me. The trials and tests of this life are more bitter and rough than I ever thought they would be. I just pray that after this life the rewards will be more sweet and more soft than we can imagine here.

Cranky Day

Today was a cranky day for me. I really don't know why. No reason, really. I probably would have skipped church if I wasn't substituting in Primary. Instead, we just got there late. I slept, until I really had to get up. The poor kids were pretty confused. They couldn't figure out why I wasn't getting up. I have fought a headache all day and really just wanted to stay home and veg. If Brad had been home I would have sent him to church with the kids so that I could stay home alone. I didn't happen. I went to church and I taught the class, which was pretty fun. When we stayed after church for choir practice, I really missed my Katie. She was always such a great help.



I am working on a poem for poetry class about Katie's headstone. It makes me sad that I haven't seen it yet. Of course, I am also glad that she is in a place where Grandma can watch over her. I am glad her body is near some one who cares for her almost as much as I do.

Talk

Brad and I did have a talk last night. It was a good talk. I don't think we got anything really figured out, but it was good to get my feelings out. I am looking forward to counseling tomorrow. I hope to be able to add onto the talk we started yesterday. We are moving onto the next level in our relationship--here we go!

You should have been in my poetry class tonight, actually, i am glad you weren't. It was pretty embarrassing. First, it started out with me noticing that the girl next to me had her assignment typed. Mine, not so much. It was listed on the syllabus as an "exercise" so I figured it was not to hand in. I figured wrong. So, I had to hand in my assignment hand written. Then - wait for it- my cell phone rings in the middle of class! (Ok, I swear I had put it on vibrate--guess not.) Then, trying to redeem myself from the rest of my foibles, I tried to answer a question. Why did i try? I don't know. He asked us what austere meant. Anyone know? I guessed--proud? Nope, it means severe (like, my dad was an austere man). Well, the good news is the professor is really cool and pretty down to earth. I don't think he hates me, but I can tell you he definitely knows my name! Poor me!

Help!

I feel like our "honeymoon" phase is over (or at least dimming). I am feeling frustrated and overwhelmed with everything I need to get done, and I am sure Brad is feeling the same. I know we need to sit down and "hash out"what we expect from each other. With us both taking college classes it is adding an extra challenge to our lives. Oh, and lets see--I started work again, and the kids are all starting their fall activities. If we don't figure out how to work together, I think one of us is going to kill the other! (I wont say which is which). I hope to have a good talk with Brad later today. I will report.

Thoughts on Families

I was thinking about a conversation that I had with a friend on Saturday. She was talking about how hard it is to have a big family and to hear the comments that people make. She said that it doesn't feel like a big family to her and I understand what she means. It made me realize how much I miss our "big family." Having four kids is kind of "over the top" for a lot of people now a days. I enjoyed it because it made me feel like our family was special and unique. I felt like I was accomplishing something that others didn't even think they could do. Please enjoy your family (whether big or small). Your family is yours alone and only you can make the decisions that are right for you! My family is my biggest blessing. I need to remember that more often!

Temple

Of course nothing can be easy. There was a planned Ward temple trip today and we decided to do Katie's temple work on that day. Well, Hurricane Hannah messed us all up. The ward decided to cancel the trip. My friend offered to watch my kids so we could still go. We ended up farming out our kids and taking my friend with us. It ended up being a long and emotional day. it was also very calm and reassuring. I felt close to Katie and close to the Spirit World. It was a good day.

Poetry

Wow! My poetry class is going to be so awesome! The professor is funny and loves what he is teaching. I am worried about actually writing poetry, but I guess I will just jump in and see how it goes. It is neat because many of the things he talked about were also things that my children's writing class discussed. I think tapping into your emotions and paying attention to detail etc can help with all different kinds of writing. We will see how the poems go! Luckily, we get to "workshop" each other's poems before they actually get graded. That way we will have lots of input before we hand them in. I am a little worried because I am afraid the most of my poems will have something to do with losing Katie. I just don't want the others in my class to be like "not that again." Sometimes I feel like I am the only one that has ever been through something like this even though I know it is not true. It makes me feel different and like I have a secret from the rest of the "normal" world. I think the poetry class will give me an outlet for some of my feelings (I just don't want to overdo it!)

Here is my first poem. I wrote it in class in about 10 minutes, so take it as you will:

American Idol

Exhausted arms fighting endlessly,
Encircling arms adding strength,
Together the surrendering salmon is landed.

Can you tell what it is about? What do you think?

Still Nervous

Just in case you wondered, I am sure my blogging will slow down now that I am trying to go back to school.

The first day was good. I did fine, but felt like a fish out of water walking on campus with all those teen i boppers! I did find my class ok and only had to ask for help twice. I didn't feel too ad when I saw quite a few others that were lost too.

The professor I have is from China (Oh, it is an Asian-American Literature class) and he moved here to go to college and never went home. He seems like a good guy, but he talks with a strong accent. I will have to sit in the front row to make sure I understand everything. Also, I feel like he spent most of the first class discussing how China is not as bad as everyone thinks and America is not a good as everyone thinks. It will be interesting to see how the books he picked for us to read play into his sentiments about America. OH, and I am scared that I won't be able to write well enough for college standards! Help, oh Help!

I got to see the bishop yesterday. We really talked and talked. We were in there for about an hour and fifteen minutes. I enjoyed our talk. I guess he thinks I am looking at my lose in a different way than I was before. That is true. I think I am starting to come to terms with the fact that it happened and there is nothing we can do to change it. I still don't like it and I will always miss her. We also talked about some of my fears for the future. That is a whole other blog entry!

Nervous

Tomorrow is the day! I am starting classes! I only have one class tomorrow. Let's hope I can find the building on campus! I am nervous, but also really excited. I hope to make it through my latest endeavor without running myself crazy.

I also have cub scout meetings tomorrow. I should be at the church until almost 9:00 tomorrow night. I hope that is not the normal plan, because I am going to have my kids with me. Brad has to be at the bishopric meetings on Tuesday night, so I have the kids.

We'll see how Brad and the kids make it through this new craziness. He will have to make dinner and get the kids ready for the evenings' adventures.

I am feeling a little blah today. Maybe it is time to jump into a new life!

The Spirit

I sometimes feel like I don't want to leave church because I feel so close to the spirit. Today, there were a few talks on becoming closer to the spirit. One of the talks focused specifically on music. One of the things she said rang true for me. She talked about how music is used to praise and thank the Lord for our blessings. This is not the main topic of her talk, but I felt that maybe if I spent more time and energy in thanking the Lord then I would feel closer to the Lord. That is something I am going to work on. I am very blessed and I don't think I am anywhere near as grateful as I should be.

I then got to teach Nathan's primary class. That was a joy. Those kids are awesome (of course most of them are also my cub scouts-so that makes them even better). I loved having a gospel discussion with 8-9 year-olds. They are so smart. Much more knowledgeable about the gospel than I was at that age.

Later I got to stay for a baptism. I love staying for those because the spirit is so strong at baptisms. Then, someone had to decide to sing "Nearer My God to Thee". Some how I ended up conducting the music and there I was in front of everyone trying not to cry. The words to this song remind me of what it will be like when we leave this life and are able to spend time with our Savior and Father! I want so much to be with Katie and feel the love and peace that she must feel.

Saturday we are going to the temple and I am looking forward to being as close to her as I can be while on the earth.

Crazy Stuff

It is weird that after 16 years of marriage we are finally getting to know each other. I guess it is not too weird considering how much we have been apart in our marriage. In fact Brad said the other day that is seems like we are going through a honeymoon phase. (Am I too old for that?) I really don't think that Brad and I even knew each other when we decided to get married. We have been through some pretty rough times and seem to be able to come out together. For a while I was afraid that losing Katie would push us over the edge and we would drift farther apart than ever. I am not sure what has changed. I feel like I appreciate all the little things that Brad does for me more than ever. We have been working on our communication (or lack of communication) in counseling. I really don't know if that has changed much, but Brad says he notices a difference in the atmosphere in our home. Maybe it has something to do with all the praying going on in our home and for our home. Anyway, I feel like we are working together as a team and that we are enjoying being together. I'm not sure how losing Katie became the catalyst for our marriage to improve, but it seems that it has. I am grateful for all the small gifts of love that are helping us to heal, and how awesome is it that we seem to be healing together?

Crying

For some reason last night I decided to go back on my blog and read about our experiences in Washington with Katie in the hospital. I really cannot believe that we lived through all of that. (Things like walking to the hospital from Ronald McDonald House everyday, a couple times a day for a month. Or being interviewed on TV for the news. It was like stepping out of my life and into someone else's.)It seems surreal, like I am reading about another family, not me. Of course I cried and cried. Nathan walked in on me a couple of times and probably thinks I am losing my mind. The thought of making it through the rest of my life seems overwhelming. I just want to be able to live and progress without the memory of Katie fading. I know it won't be long and she will be just a misty memory. She will become the "remember that girl who died." Maybe that is why I want to do more writing. If I can write down my thoughts and memories of her then she will still be here. I hope I can grow and progress in my writing to be able to use it in a way to keep her alive to me.

Inspiration

When we were driving home from Palmyra I was reading the Ensign. There was an article about listening to inspiration from the spirit. This is something that I have been thinking about and dwelling on for a long time. I read a story about a mom with a 14 year old girl who was sick. She was prompted to tell the doctor that she had pneumonia, and even though the doctor didn't believe it, he did the x ray and she hid have it. Well, of course, as I was reading this, I was crying. It is not fair. I prayed and prayed all day Saturday and Sunday, Katie got a priesthood blessing on Sunday and I never felt like I got an answer if I should take her to the hospital or not. I still beat myself up over not taking her to the doctor sooner--who knows what would have happened. I wish I was close enough to the spirit to know what the Lord wants me to do. Anyway, as I was dwelling on these thoughts, I had a thought (Ok, revelation). I actually had the Lord tell me what to do--it was just months earlier. I got the impression that we should start doing family interviews and Mom and Dad dates. I have to believe that Katie dieing was what was supposed to happen and the Lord was preparing us all. I am so glad that we were able to spend some extra time with Katie. In fact the last few times we did the interviews- Katie decided to interview Brad and me. That was funny. I am going to try to pay attention to when I get inspiration from the Lord. I think it happens much more often than I realize.

I went to the Eastern Connecticut State campus today. I am all official. I got my ID, my parking pass, and my books! I am a little nervous, but also very excited! My class starts on the 2nd!

My thoughts

I decided to make a special blog just for my personal thoughts and struggles. This will be a much more personal and intimate view of me. I hope that this will serve as my journal as I make my way through losing my precious Katie.