My Temper Tantrum

So, my nine-year-old had a melt down at the skating rink on Friday when she found out she had to come back the next day to practice her duet for the Christmas show. She was mad because she had already been there two days in a row and "I'm tired" and "Saturday is the only day I don't have to do anything!"

She cried and whined. I told her she didn't have a choice, and she threw back at me, "I thought we ALWAYS had a choice." With tears glistening on her eyelashes, she looked at me sideways, hoping to catch me in the "Ha, I got you there" kid moment. I tried to stay calm as all the way home she peppered me with "I'm just so tired" and "I already know it, why do I have to go?" (even though she doesn't know it at all). When we finally got home I sent her to soak in the tub, my all time fix for every problem in the world.

Wow! a temper tantrum over having to spend an hour ice skating on a Saturday morning? I wish that was my biggest problem. Right?

Well, the next day...

After taking her to ice skating (and watching her skate for almost two hours), I called to check on the other kids and my sick husband at home. I reminded my son to get online and catch up with a class he is taking.

Finally home, I walked in the house to boxes of Christmas decorations littering the floor and days of dishes covering the counter and sink. We only had one hour to spare before we had to be at our next activity of the day. I called my son to let him know when he needed to be home from his friend's house and found out he hadn't done the work I asked him to do.

Soon I found myself throwing a temper tantrum to rival the best two-year-old.

I yelled things like, "Didn't I tell you to get that done?" "Why didn't you just push the button?" "What do you mean you didn't think of that?" "What would you do without me?" "You can't even do one little thing without me sitting next to you."

But that wasn't the worst of it.

I began stomping around the house and slamming anything that could bang. The door, the dishes, the silverware, the boxes of decorations. All the kids hid upstairs just waiting for the storm to pass.

What was my temper tantrum really about?

Could it be the seven, yup, seven different concerts our family is involved with this Christmas season; the plates of cookies that seem to be required at every turn; the endless rehearsals; the chorus of "why we are the only house on the block without lights?; the Christmas cards that haven't even been considered yet; the presents that should be in the mail, but haven't been purchased?

Ok, I'm tired,

and When do I get a day that I don't have to do anything?

I woke up this morning chanting, Peace on Earth, Good will to Men.

Giving Thanks

It's like slipping on new socks
fresh from the package;
like sliding down into a
hot bath, door locked, music on;
it's like slithering between
crisp-clean sheets before
drifting to sleep;
like breathing the first
warm hints of spring and
the first biting changes of fall;
it's like squishing mud
between your toes;
it's memories
that make you
smile.

Share how giving thanks makes you feel.

She is Who She is

I recently read an article with five suggestions to become a better parent. It was interesting, but none of the suggestions seemed new to me (except to have weekly daddy time, I thought that was cool). But it got me to thinking, what would I tell someone about how to be a better parent?

Here is it: Let your child be who she is.

My daughter is so different from me. At times she is a classic drama queen. She has actually thrown at me dramatically, "You don't know what it's like to be the middle child." (She says this with her hand on her forehead as if checking to make sure she's not going to faint.) And she's right, I don't know what it's like to be the middle child. I don't understand her propensity to melt into a puddle when something does not go her way. Even as a small child I would smile and say, "Well, she will be a good actress when she grows up. We all have our talents." I don't understand her mood swings or why things affect her so deeply.

Yet, this is who she is.

 Her personality has allowed her to have a connection with horse riding that I don't understand. She is scared to ride, yet at the same time, she loves those horses with her whole soul. She won't give up.









She is sometimes so shy it hurts, yet her heart wants to help others. So she hosted a doll pageant recently to raise money for pediatric cancer. She just wanted to make a difference.

She started middle school this year and I was so concerned about her "thin skin" that I considered homeschooling her. Yet, she is doing great. Her sweet personality has attracted many new friends.

She decided to take piano lessons about 18 months ago. She came home from her lessons crying almost every week for the first year. "You can quit if you want. I don't care," told her, many times. "But I don't want to quit," she said. And she hasn't.

I have learned that she knows her own mind. If it were up to me, she would stop riding horses, be home schooled,  take an acting class, and toughen up. But those are my choices, not hers. She is finding her own way in this world. And she seems to be doing a pretty darn good job of it.

Does Adult Cyber Bullying Exist?

A couple of months ago I received an email from an anonymous source condemning me for decisions I had made and threatening me if I carried out some actions which I had chosen to pursue. This email was not only sent to me, but copied to many people in an organization I belong to. I quickly found myself flashing back to my late teens when I was threatened by an ex-boyfriend who happened to be much older than me. I was frozen in fear and was physically shaking as I read the email.

According to, Stop Cyberbulling.com, ""Cyberbullying" is when a child, preteen or teen is tormented, threatened, harassed, . . .otherwise targeted by another child, preteen or teen using the Internet,. . . . Once adults become involved, it is plain and simple cyber-harassment or cyberstalking. Adult cyber-harassment or cyberstalking is NEVER called cyberbullying."

Yet, a quick Google search revealed many websites saying just the opposite. Adults are victims and perpetrators of cyberbulling. News.com.au, in the article, "Cyber bulling 

against adults: a victim's story," quotes Andrea Weckerle, founder of anti-online bullying organization CiviliNation , "It's incredulous how many people still believe that cyber bullying is something that only impacts children and teens." Wechkerle continues, "The sad fact is that online reputational attacks, threats and intimidation against adults take place on a daily basis in all corners of the world."

I was shocked when I was cyberbullied twice in the last few months. Surprisingly  both times it took someone else to point out the fact that I was being bullied before I recognized it as such. 

Bulling statistics.org says, "The goal of an adult bully is to gain power over another person, and make himself or herself the dominant adult."This is exactly what happened to me. In two different situations someone, using a cyber name to cover their true identity, tried to force me to do what they wanted through intimidation. Neither person came right out with direct threats against me, but after reading their messages, I felt threatened. These adults were trying to gain power over me through intimidation. Both times I am sure the words would have been completely different if we had been talking face to face, yet the anonymity of the web allows people, even adults, to lash out in an unacceptable way. 

Both times, I was physically shaking as I read the messages and felt helpless to defend myself. These attacks were happening in my home through my personal accounts. Luckily, as adults we have more choices in the people we associate with, but going online opens your world up to people you may not regularly be friend.

Here's what I learned:

1) Recognize it for what it is. Don't just think this is a mean person and I have to get back at him. Once you name it for what it is, cyber bullying, it takes on a whole new perspective. When you see this person as a bully it is hard to take her seriously.

2) Don't get sucked in. Responding to a bully just gives him more fuel for the fire. One calmly worded note of how you feel and that if it continues you will report him to the authorities should suffice. Leave it alone after that. Stay off the site, block the user, or even delete your account if needed. 

3) Don't take it personally. I know that sounds crazy when you are being attacked, but this kind of behavior is all on the perpetrator. Just like a playground bully, he is waiting for someone to assault.

4) Reach out to a friend or even the police. Sometime just talking about it with someone who is removed from the situation can help you get perspective. If the messages don't stop, contact the police. (Make sure you document everything, it's tempting to delete but you may need it later.)

Lucky for me, these attacks were not enough to affect my life in the long term, but at the time, it is very stressful. However, I gained perspective on how teens must feel when they are caught in attacks they can't get away from.

Comment: Have you been cyber-bullied? What did you do?

Gifts of Women

I woke up with a pounding headache this morning, which made my post this week a little late, but it also reminded me of why I am grateful to be a woman.

My head was throbbing and I tried to think of any excuse I could to take a long bath and let everything else in my life go away. That's when I realized all the strength that is surrounding me in the form of my friends. I know I don't face this life alone.

Women have been a strength to this world from Eve to Joan of Arc to Mother Teresa. But there are also strong women who stand in the background and bless those around them everyday without any recognition from the world.

Women strengthen and encourage one another. I have a friend that has been battling a life-long illness with a depression that accompanies it. She has days when she can't even get out of bed. She would probably be surprised to know that I admire her strength. She has a full-time job and two kids. Even though she struggles some days to even answer the phone, she keeps going.

When we are not sure what to do next, we ask a friend. I believe that women are sent to teach each other. We can learn from history, but even better we can learn from the women that surround us today. Having lived all of my married life away from family, I have learned to utilize the wisdom of friends. After my daughter died, I began a friendship that included a long walk once a week. What a joy and healing experience those walks became. My friend taught me how to live again as we laughed, cried, walked, talked, listened, and bonded.

Women do when others can't. How many times have you decided you just can't do one more thing and then been asked to do one more thing? If you are like me, the answer is almost everyday. I had a friend next door to me years ago who was there whenever I needed her. She watched my daughter; she helped me clean my house; she fed me dinner; she loved me. Her support was how I made it through the first seven years my husband was on sea duty in the Navy.

Friends feed your spirit. It is impossible to describe the feelings you receive from a true friend just being near you. The knowledge that you are loved and valued fills the air and you are refreshed. I could list hundreds of friends in this category. I'm so grateful to the many friends across the nation who fill my spirit everyday.

Thank a friend today, let her know of your love.

Comment, tell me: What do your friends do for you?

Family Emergency

We recently had a family emergency that is hard to share, but after much soul searching, I decided that our society needs to break down the stigma and recognize the problem surrounding us. So, here it is: I found pornographic websites on my child's iPod touch. And I am not talking just naked pictures. I'm talking websites with videos that would make me throw up if I watched them.

Yes, I was devastated. We have talked about pornography in our family and we have discussed how special and private our bodies are. I was shocked to find this filth infiltrating my home. I know enough about pornography that I felt as if I had just found drugs hidden in my child's room. I cried hysterically then called a friend who has done tons of research on pornography and how it affects children. (Check out her blog at www.pornproofkids.com) After more research and tons of discussions, it seems that the pornography was accessed by a friend who was visiting our home. (Big sigh of relief, but with both eyes wide open, just in case.)

I am sharing this experience in the hopes that you will learn from us and guard your homes from the trash that is pervading our society today. Here are five things I learned:

1) Pornography is everywhere- ads, music, video games, website pop-ups, google-type searches, etc.  I hadn't realized before how music videos and video games begin to hook young minds, and that they are designed by porn pushers to do just that. Be aware of what your child is viewing even if it seems harmless.

2) Pornography WILL affect your family- Before I discovered pornography on the iPod, I had talked to my kids and have a filter on our computers. I wasn't worried, I thought my bases were covered. However, the iPod touch did not have a filter and left the opportunity for use wide open. That's when I realized, I can't keep it away from them. Kids are at school with friends with smartphones. They visit neighbor's homes. If they haven't seen pornography yet, they will. The statistics are staggering. Close to 90%- yes 90% of kids will view pornography before the age of 15. Do you really think yours will be the 10%? Which brings us to the next point:

3) Talk to your kids and keep talking- Pornography is all around us. You need to talk about it and help your kids recognize it. Teach them to name it: "That is pornography." Ads with half-naked women are pornography, music with lewd lyrics is pornography: help your family begin to notice it for what it is and choose to shun it. Then when the friend shows them pornography or they become curious they will already understand what pornography is and that they won't want any part of it.

4) Use available tools-There are plenty of free internet filters, use one. There have been times when I felt like circumventing the filters from frustration, but now I decided I will put up with the frustration to make sure my kids are safe. I have each child set up with their own account on every computer and if you use Microsoft Family Safety, you can set filters and times of access on their accounts and they will be linked to each computer.  I also learned you can put filters on your web browsers, do it (just google it!). My kids will never have internet on hand held devices (I know, I should never say never, but NEVER!). It is too easy and too tempting. Why risk it? They can use my phone when I'm beside them, or wait till they get home to access the internet.


5) Pornography is damaging physically, mentally, socially, and spiritually- Porn addiction is as bad or worse than a drug addiction. There are countless grown men who still struggle with porn after starting with a childhood curiosity. Don't let your kids be roped with an addiction that can be hidden so easily until it ruins a college education, a job, a marriage, or a family. Be vigilante. Check their devices often. Check browsing history and/or just hit back arrow to see where they have been. Wouldn't you rather know now than find out years later they they have been viewing porn for years?

What are your thoughts about pornography? What are you doing to protect your family? What do you need to do better?

It's Time for Equality

I don’t know about you, but I don’t have enough to do to keep busy. Three kids, figure skating, lacrosse, piano, cello, Scouts, Activity Days, horse riding, homework, chores, scripture reading, genealogy, visiting teaching, and lesson planning are not enough to keep me busy (not to mention those mundane things like house cleaning and cooking and such). I have also held a full time job in my recent past and even then, my life seemed empty.

I crave having to get up two hours early on Sunday morning to attend meetings with the guys and giving up one night a week to meet with the bishopric. I need to be expected to visit families at least once a month to make sure their physical and spiritual needs are met. Why can’t I be in charge of over 300 families? My level of stress is so low that my blood pressure is non-existent. If I had to deal with issues of families that can’t pay their bills or individuals going through the hardest times in their lives, maybe I could feel more normal. I think if I was able to hold the same offices as my husband in the LDS church, then I would be able to fill up all those empty hours.

Woman of the church: I'm calling for a strike!

Next Sunday, all the women should stay home from church. We’ll let the men teach nursery, run primary, and deal with the Young Women. The discussion in Sunday School will end when the teacher asks, “Who read the lesson for this week?” And the mother’s lounge will turn into the father’s football forum. There’ll be bed-head children running wild up and down the aisles. Primary will turn into one big game of kids vs. dads. The Relief Society room will be empty; the binders with countless sign-up sheets sitting, unsigned. I’m sure the men will enjoy teaching the lesson in Young Women about chastity or honoring the Priesthood. The potluck after church will be full of store-bought meals (hopefully purchased on Saturday).

We women will be sitting at home, by ourselves, in quiet, calm houses, relaxing on a couch with a good book.

 Hey, maybe I’m on to something.

I’m sure after a week without women; the men will be ready to welcome us into the higher offices. The bishop’s office will be dressed with lace tablecloths and linen curtains. We’ll only have to be at church two hours early, and we can leave the men at home. They’ll be so bored, not having anything to do besides watch the countless pre-game shows. Then we’ll hurry home to make sure the kids are washed and dressed ready to head to church. We can sit on the stand and make sure no one is sleeping. We can stroll the halls during Sunday School checking for the sneaky skippers. We’ll give the best bishopric’s address ever given in primary, then hurry to Priesthood meeting (which will be combined with men and women). We’ll conduct and teach the Priesthood meeting, then make sure the church building is cleaned before retiring to the bishop’s office for interviews and meetings. It will only be about 5 or 6 (could be later depending on what time your church starts) by the time the rounds of the church building begin to lock the doors and check the windows. We’ll get home in time to eat some cheerios for dinner and read scriptures with the kids before tucking them into bed. Then we’ll check the calendar for mid-week appointments before finally getting to bed.

Well, after thinking about it, I guess I’ll be at church this Sunday, happily sitting in my regular pew.

How do you learn?

"The most important learnings of life are caught- not taught." - Elder David A Bednar

Perhaps it's human nature, maybe it's (like my Grandma says) "society these days," but have you noticed how everyone tries to get the most with the least amount of effort? Unfortunately this applies to education, too.  Here in the United States we are each given a free education, maybe the free price tag causes us to take our learning for granted. But cost doesn't always have to be money. It can also be energy.

With the Back-to-school season in full swing, this is a great time to reevaluate our efforts to learn. Remember that we should all be learning and growing in some way. Read below for tips to get the most out of your education, whether it be formal schooling, church-related classes, or independent learning.

1) Learning takes effort. You cannot expect to learn in any circumstance unless you put forth effort. It takes action to learn.

2) Learn to love learning. We all know that if we enjoy something we do it more often. Find a way to enjoy what you are studying. Make it a joy instead of a chore.

3) Set goals. What do you want to learn? What is your timetable? Make clear goals and work towards them.

4) Talk about what you learn. Discuss your new insights with friends and family. Join in discussions at school. Listen for opportunities in conversations to share your new found knowledge.

5) The responsibility of learning is yours. Don't make excuses or depend on others. Take control of your educational experiences.

Elder Bednar is saying in his quote above that learning takes effort, like catching a fish. We must work, not just passively wait for someone to teach us all we need to know.

 Be an example to your kids. Show them how important education is and  the harder they work, the more they will get out of it.

Comment:
Tell me about something you learned because you put forth a little more effort.

Prisons come in all shapes

Our family toured the prison on Alcatraz Island for part of a family reunion this weekend. We had done some reading about the prison before we visited and were excited to see what else we would learn. When we arrived, we found the tours they offer are not done personally but through an audio tour. I was disappointed, but took the headphones and moved on.

To my surprise the audio tour was very well done with different voices and background noises that made the tour come alive. As I wandered through the prison, following the instructions of the recorded voice, I realized that I was here with my children, but yet, not really experiencing the tour together.

That's when I grasped the significance of the choice to use audio recorders vs a live tour guide. (Okay, I understand the reasons are more practical, like cost and language availability, but go with me on this.) By giving us headphones and marching us around the prison through commands, we began to experience what it may have been like to have freedom taken away.

I also began to understand a little of what it must feel like to be around hundreds of other people, but never able to interact with them. The prisoners were not allowed to talk to each other except in the rec yard, and were kept in separate cells at all times. I was experiencing one of our nations most visited attractions with my extended family, but the most I could do was wave as we passed each other, afraid I would miss something in the recording.

"You were a number, you weren't a name: I wasn't Jim Quillen. Hell, I was Number 586 and nobody wanted that." What was it like to be treated as a number with no ability to connect with other humans?

Alcatraz is a prison of stone and bars, yet prisons come in all shapes and sizes.

As we prepared for our trip to Alcatraz, one of the books we read was Al Capone Does My Shirts, by Gennifer Choldenko, a historical fiction novel written for ages 10 to 14. One of the main characters is a 16-year-old girl with autism. The book takes place in 1935 when there was no understanding of this medical condition.

Choldenko allows you to experience what this girl must have felt as she was locked in her own prison by autism.She is not able to interact with the people around her and many times her mind does not allow her to make decisions.

What prisons do you see around you? Do some people choose to relegate themselves to prison? Have you ever felt like a prisoner, cut off from those around you physically or mentally?

Her Birthday Brings Meditation

Saturday, Aug 3rd, was the birthday of my daughter who passed away five and a half years ago. She would have turned nineteen. It seems so old. She would have finished her first year of college and perhaps been preparing to go on a mission for our church.
It has been long enough now for me to look back and see the ways my life has been affected through Katie's death. The biggest way, of course, is that we miss her every day. But, there are some lessons I have learned that I would like to share.

1) I had the opportunity to grow closer to the spirit.

As I tried to work my way through the fog of sadness and despair, it was the spirit that strengthened me. I know that through the gift of the temple our family will be together forever. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan and that he loves me. I chose to hang onto that thread of faith to pull myself through the fear and doubt. I had never had to give all of my trust to any being before. But through this experience I came to love and trust my Heavenly Father completely.

2) Nathan has the opportunity to become more mature and responsible.

I have no way of knowing what Nathan would have been like if Katie had lived. But after she died, he became the oldest. He took on that rule seriously. He watches out for his sisters in such a way that even the teachers at school notice. He has become a responsible leader and not afraid to volunteer when he is needed at school or at church.

3) I have the opportunity to cherish my children in a different way.

I don't call myself an emotional person, but knowing that my children are not a permanent fixture in my life has changed the way I look at them. I try to cherish every moment I have with them and realize that I may not have them for long.

4) I have been able to share in the accomplishments of Katie's friends.

Katie's friends have been so generous in sharing their lives with me. I am so grateful when I hear how successful they are. I get to cheer them on in their pursuits and be frustrated with them when things don't work out they way they should. I feel so blessed that they let me tag along in their lives.

5) I have been able to understand the pain of losing a child.

Anyone who has lost a child has been welcomed into the club that no one wants to belong to. But it is a small comfort to know that you are not the only one to go through this unbelievable trial. I have been able to connect with others who have lost a child and to pass on some tiny encouragement. Please know that you will feel better, that life does keep going, and your child is waiting for you.

5 Pluses for Overnight Camp

Summer camps can be expensive and cut into precious summer family time, but there are pluses to consider as you decide if you should send your child to camp.

Nathan went to his first overnight camp this week away from family and friends, to Eastern Washington University for lacrosse camp. As I dropped him off I realized what a great growth opportunity it would be.

1) It gave him a chance to begin to  figure out who he is separate from mom and dad.

Instead of making decisions based on what mom and dad will think, he had to make decisions as to the kind of person he wanted those around him to see. He had to decide who he wanted to be, not just who mom and dad want him to be.

2) He had to take responsibility for himself.

No relying on parents or leaders to tell him what to do. Mom wasn't there every night to tell him to brush his teeth or take a shower. He had to choose what to have for dinner. He could buy soda instead of milk. He could sleep late or get up early to work out.

3) He was able to interact with boys his age without the safety net of parents.

Of course there were adults supervising, but the group of boys did not have parents near by. They had to figure out how they would treat each other and how to react to things like teasing or trouble makers.

4) He was able to play and work hard for himself.

Instead of working hard because mom and dad would be watching, he had to work hard because that's what he wanted to do. He could decide what activities to skip and which ones were important to him.

5) It gave me a chance to trust him.

By dropping him off and driving away it meant that I had to trust that he would make good decisions without me around. His decisions were his alone.

He had a fabulous time and camp. He learned a ton of new lacrosse skills, made some new friends, and came home with a glowing report from the coaches. I have no idea if he brushed his teeth or if he drank soda every night for dinner, but it was a week of growth for both of us.

What experiences have you had sending your kids to camp?

Parenting Dreams or Reality

A couple of weeks ago I found out that a friend is pregnant with her eighth child. My first reaction was the same one I am sure you are all having. WHAT? But then I decided to consider my reaction. And I realized that there must be a sliver of jealousy underneath my reaction. (I said sliver.)

I grew up in a family of six kids and I have always wanted to have a large family of my own. In fact, if you ask my husband, I wanted to have eight kids when we met, although I don't remember ever saying that.  When my oldest child was little, I ran a home daycare to bring in some extra money. As crazy and tiring as it was, I loved having the house full of noise and little active bodies. After having four children of our own, we decided our family was complete. But now, I have three children in my home and I wonder if I still had my four, would my home feel more complete than it does now?

Oh, the joys of having a new baby. I love being pregnant, it's such a great feeling to have a living being inside your body and to be nourishing and caring for it in all ways. To feel it move and hear a heartbeat never stops being a surreal experience.

Then the baby is born. He is so sweet and cuddly, and loud and demanding and frustrating and hard work. Wouldn't it be great to skip the infant and toddler stage? Couldn't we go straight to age 4 or 5?

 I love being able to interact with my child as a person instead of a needy entity that seems to never be satisfied. I admit that it's so much easier, when he says he is hungry, and I can send him to the kitchen to find food and when she cries I can send her to her room until she is ready to talk. I can carry on a conversation and teach them new skills. How fun to see them achieve new things and learn how to make decisions in a confusing world.

Would i want eight kids if I didn't have to deal with the infants and toddlers? I was blessed this week to have three extra boys at our house. We had six kids ages six to thirteen. The kids played together, worked together, and their imaginations ran wild. Would it be this fun if I did it 365 days a year?

I haven't talked to my friend about the choice to have a big family. I would love to hear her thoughts behind being a parent and the reasons they have decided to share their love with many children. I'm sure there are hurdles that must be crossed when you make a choice that most people would find disconcerting. Things like being the inspiration for a blog, for example. But it must bring some great blessings also.

Leave your comments about: Is your family small or large? What are the blessings and challenges? What is your favorite stage of childhood? Which ones you would rather skip?

Six Ways to Handle Conflict Within Your Group

How we react to conflict will affect our health and our happiness. Read on for tips to handle the inevitable controversy that will erupt in your life.

1) Gain perspective. Although the conflict may seem insurmountable and life-changing, usually in a few months, with the challenge behind you, the importance of the conflict will seem much smaller. Don't let this mouse of a problem turn into an elephant.

2) Listen to everyone with an open mind. Each person involved will have their own point of view and each one will bring a different perspective to the conflict. Be willing to listen as you put yourself in their shoes.  When you understand why someone feels they way they do it is much easier to come to a resolution.

3) Be careful with social media and email. These tools are important and powerful. Remember anything you send electronically can be public forever. Be careful when you respond to an email without taking a breath first. Try typing the response then saving it in your drafts folder. Read it over again in a few hours or even the next day. This way you can have a clear head before you hit send.

4) Avoid gossiping and placing blame. It's so easy to let off steam when talking to others involved in the conflict who share your opinions, but be careful to make your conversations productive. It doesn't help to point fingers or share what someone did that made you angry. Talking to someone who is not part of the situation may be a good way to clear your head. Just make sure the person you choose to talk to won't get pulled into the problem. (Consider a family member or friend who lives far from you.)

5) Do something positive. Don't wait around for the problem to fix itself, do something. This doesn't necessarily mean "fixing the problem." Use the energy that is being eaten up dealing with the conflict in a positive way instead. Organize a service project, offer to help on a committee, or find a way to spruce up your environment.

6) Take time for yourself and your family. Make sure your family time is not being taken up with worry and whispered phone calls. Don't forget to spend time exercising, enjoying nature, or drawing closer to God. These activities help to center your mind and remind you what is truly important.

Six Things to Learn from Your Years of Parenting Toddlers to Help You Make it Through Those Dreaded Teen Years

So, all of you parents of teenagers, are you ready to pull your hair out? You thought you had it figured out, right? This parenting thing isn't so hard. Then, bam, they turn 13! What is going on? They ignore you, they scream at you, they cry at the tiniest problem. Kids that used to get straight A's without trying are now barely pulling C's. Why? I don't know. If I hear that phrase come out of my 13-year-old's mouth one more time, I'm going to wash it out with soap.

But take heart. I found the solution to our problems. Remember what your teen was like at two years old? Well, after doing some research, I found that the developmental stage of a teenager is quite similar to a that of a toddler.

They are both known for being negative with frequent mood changes and temper tantrums. They are working through finding their independence and frequently push and test their limits.

Surprised? Your teen is just a big toddler. So here are the suggestions for parents of toddlers and how we can apply the lessons to our teens (so that they just might make it to the next stage of their development).

1) Have a regular routine. Wow, that's true. It seems on the days that he knows what to expect and has the ability to plan his activities and responsibilities, there is less drama.

2) Offer limited choices. Don't we all love to have a choice? Yet, even though teens are closer to being adults, they still don't fully understand the consequences of their choices. I could make life easier for him, by instead of saying, "No, you can't sleep over at your friends house." I could offer, "You could have him come here for our family movie night or you could hang out there tomorrow afternoon."

3) Learn to set limits. This is a big one. I've always been good at setting limits for my kids, but this new teen phase is hard. I want to give him more freedom and personal responsibility, but I haven't found the right balance yet. Here's the second half of the toddler guidance: Don't be surprised when your child tries to test the limits to see what he can get away with. Oh, so we are back to that are we? Ok, mom, time to be tough. Whatever the punishment is, you have to stick with it. I've found this so much harder as a parent of teen than as when he was a toddler. Taking away a favorite toy is easy, taking away a favorite sport is much harder.

4) Don't give into tantrums. Ok, so most teens don't throw two-year-old tantrums, but they do throw teen tantrums. He might not be on the floor screaming, but he might try to make you feel guilty or give you the silent treatment. You would never give into a toddler tantrum, don't forget this is just a teen tantrum. Hang tough, don't give in.

5) Begin to use time-out and take away privileges. Time-out? Yup, "Go to your room until you are ready to talk to me calmly." It still works. And privileges? The best punishment for my daughter was always, "Give me the phone."

6) Provide a safe environment to explore. The teen's environment may not be a physically unsafe environment, but what about mentally, socially, or spiritually? Be as willing to provide a safe environment for your teens as you would be to cover the electric outlets around toddlers, even if it makes you unpopular. You wouldn't let your toddler play with a knife, why would you let your teen attend an unsupervised party?

Light bulb moment: I've been making it too difficult. Back to the basics, I know this stuff. I can do it, and so can you. Let's band together all you parents of teens. We have a plan-- just treat them like two-year-olds-- and we will triumph!

Fear Can Only Stop You If You Are Afraid

Fear is an emotion, but being afraid is a choice that we make. Sometime we have a reason for fear. Tomorrow I have an appointment to have some basal cells removed from my nose. (This is after years of sun damage. Use your sunscreen!) To decide if this tissue would need to be removed, the dermatologist had to take a sample. Thankfully, she numbed my nose before scraping layers of skin away. Regretfully, she had to use a needle to numb it. Think about how tender your nose is and then think about someone sticking a needle into it over and over again. My eyes were watering and I was gritting my teeth. The doctor stopped to ask if I needed a break. What good would that do? It would still hurt. Just get it over with.

So, with good reason, I am dreading the appointment that I have tomorrow.  I know it is going to hurt. Right now, it is not fear. I know what's coming and I am choosing to be afraid.

But other times, we fear things that have never happened. Sometimes I am afraid of failure. I can't fear failing at something I have never tried, but yet I let myself be afraid. I want to use my writing to touch others, to share my thoughts and inspirations with others, yet what if this dream never happens? This feeling of fear can be a great excuse for never trying or giving up before fully pursuing a dream.

In one of my favorite books, My Stroke of Insight, Jill Bolte Taylor explains one of the "greatest lessons" she learned. "I had the power to choose whether to hook into a feeling and prolong its presence in my body, or just let it quickly flow right out of me." She discusses how feelings will surge through your body unbidden, but after a few seconds it becomes a choice if you want to keep experiencing the feeling.

Fear is that feeling that comes without being invited. Fear is like a bucket of water thrown over you. Being afraid is like jumping into the freezing river so that you can revel in the debilitating cold. Don't worry about fear it will come and go, but don't be stupid. Don't choose to be afraid.

See Dr Jill Bolte Taylor's website at http://www.mystrokeofinsight.com/

If I Were A Rich Man

Growing up, we had about five records that we would play over and over again. One of them was the soundtrack from Fiddler On The Roof. The other day, I came across a situation that reminded me of the song “If I Were a Rich Man.”  The main character, Tevye, sings of what his life would be like, if only he were rich.  I hate to admit it, but that’s a dream we all share, isn’t it?

A few weeks ago I asked a 12-year-old boy what he most admired about his father. He seemed confused, so I clarified by asking, “What is it about your dad that you want to be like when you grow up?” I was surprised when he answered, “He’s rich.” It made me wonder, what would it take for a child to classify his family as “rich?”  And why did he choose this one word to describe his hard-working, loving father?

I began to reflect on the changes in my own life since moving to the Tri-Cities and starting a private sector job. We picked a home that is bigger and nicer than we have ever had before. But something I didn’t consider as we chose the house was how the people you interact with change you. We love our house and the neighborhood is fantastic, but keeping up with the Joneses is a real condition in our society. I don’t think it is usually a conscious decision. We just seem to live our lives in parallel to those around us. If your friends are going to the theater and fancy dinners, then you would want to accompany them. If they tend to hike and picnic, then those are the things you would do.

It doesn't seem to matter how much money you have, it is easy to spend it. So, it goes back to what you value. What you think it important is where you spend your money. For example, I heard on NPR that in America a hundred years ago we spent 20% of our money on clothes. These were high quality clothes that would be well taken care of and kept for many years. Now we spend about 3% of our money on clothes.  Yet, think about how many more items we have in our closets and dressers than our ancestors did. So, we must value our possessions much less than they did a hundred years ago. Yet we also have more stuff than any other time in history. Somewhere along the way, we must have decided that the accumulation of things is how we decide who is rich.

But do all these possessions make us happier? According to PyschBlog at being grateful can raise your happiness more than 25%. So the trick is, how can we be more grateful even when we feel we are surrounded by people who have more, do more, and experience more than we do?

We need to look around us. This means going outside our comfort zone. Take a drive through the “wrong side of town.” Stop in at a hospital or shelter. Begin a conversation with someone you wouldn’t normally talk to in line at a grocery store or library. Once you see the variety of people and situations that occur even in your own community, you will begin to be grateful for your blessings. You will see where value should exist in your life. And it won’t be in how much stuff you own.

Links:

PyschBlog

http://www.spring.org.uk/2007/09/practicing-gratitude-can-increase.php

Ethical Fashion: Is The Tragedy In Bangladesh A Final Straw?

http://www.nwpr.org/post/ethical-fashion-tragedy-bangladesh-final-straw

The Last Poem for National Poetry Month

We spent the weekend in Missoula, Montana playing lacrosse. There was one moment that I just had to try to write a poem about. After finishing the poem, I realized that it is about the connection Julia has with her coach. She is only one of two girls on the team and probably the smallest, but she sure is scrappy (as the other parents like to say). After you read the poem, you can decide how I was feeling at the moment. I'm really not sure. The best way I can describe it is "a tangle of emotions."

Watching Her Play Lacrosse

She sneaks her stick into the

scrum of boys

fighting for the ball,

scoops it up and turns

to go,

bobs this way and that,

avoiding the swarm of sticks

aiming at her stick.

She turns to shoot, and

releases the ball,

just before the

defender collides.

Shoulder meets helmet and

body meets ground.

She lies still.

The whistle shrieks.

Her coach rushes to her,

sweeps her up, and

carries her off the field

like a cherished trophy.

From the sideline,

my tears are dried by the

persistent wind.

Guest Blogger: MaryLynn Haggard

Here is a poem that MaryLynn wrote. I wonder if this was inspired by all the things going on in the world today.

Night and Day

Dark is night.
Day is light.
Day hates night,
and night hates
light. How long
must this fight
last, until the world
grows dim and night
and day are at peace
again.

Haiku

This is a fun haiku inspired by a trip to the Sandy Utah Aquarium. The June Sucker is endangered and only found in certain lakes in Utah. It was so fun to watch as it sucked a mouthful of rocks into it's mouth, rolled them around getting the "food" off, and then spitting them back to the floor.

Ever vacuuming: sucking,

cleaning it’s floor.

June Sucker, come to my home.

Ode to President Thomas S Monson

A ripple sweeps
across the audience
like wind bending
stalks of wheat.
All rise.
An anticipating hush
fills the space
around the crowd
of 21,000.
As the spirit
ushers in the
prophet of God.

April is National Poetry Month

I want to celebrate by posting a new poem every week in the month of April.

I am behind one day, but each Monday in April come to see a new poem.


                       Death
                      the end
                   life cut short
             buried alone in darkness
spirit, body separated, fighting mortality
          waiting for ultimate victory
           gripping glimmering hope
               patience rewarded
                         Life

Five Year Anniversary

I have been walking around this week sad and emotional. Any little setback is affecting me way more than it should. I kept trying to figure out what is causing this response, when I realized that this is the week. Saturday was five years since my precious box of firecrackers left this earth. How could it be five years? In one way it feels like yesterday and in others it feels like so long ago.

A week ago in church a teenage girl was wheeled into the chapel, down the aisle and parked in the row just in front of us. I spent the hour switching between basking in the glow of her mother's love for her and wallowing in my self-pity. The story of this beautiful girl is similar to Katie's, but with a very different ending. She, too, was on vacation when tragedy struck.  Similar to our family story, they were stuck hundreds of miles from home while the family went through the scariest time in their lives. The teenage girl was in an accident and  had to have surgery on her spinal column. She made it through and by all accounts her recuperation was miraculous.

I sat in the pew behind her and her mother last Sunday, weeks after her accident, and thought, "Why can't that be me?" I watched as the mom leaned over to gently tuck her sweater tightly over her daughter's bare arms, and I was jealous. When this brave girl got up to bare her testimony with her back brace tightly secured, I couldn't breathe as she discussed the prayers and faith that got her through the beginnings of her trial.

Even after five years, I still have those moments when I just can't take it. It's not fair. We prayed, we had faith, yet my daughter didn't come home.

However, the joy and knowledge of the gospel that radiated from this young lady, couldn't be turned to bad. I sat with tears streaming down my face, but they weren't sad tears. This young lady has a purpose here on earth, her life experiences will touch the hearts and testimonies of those around her for many years to come. And that is a similarity that I am happy to share with this family. My Katie is not here anymore, but I continue to hear of how her example and life has touched hearts. I know that my testimony has been strengthened by the trial that we still endure and I pray that others around us can feel the joy and knowledge of the gospel that Katie shares with others through our faith and trust in our Heavenly Father.

Fallen Heroes

There are heroes all around us falling to the mistakes of their humanity. People like Lance Armstrong and Oscar Pistorius have fallen hard in the eyes of their admirers.  This got me to thinking about my own personal heroes. I’ve never been one to look up to sports or media stars; my heroes have always been those around me.

Most people go through the autonomy phase when they are teens. Believe me, I did my share of rebelling, but I have always looked up to my mom and tried to gain her approval. I have said many times that if I can be as good a mother as she is, I would be doing pretty well.

I’m not naïve and I know that my mom is human. She makes mistakes and does things I don’t agree with, but it wasn't until this Christmas that I realized that I tend to agree with her impulsively.

I’m sure that much of these feelings grow from the fact that we are very similar. It’s rare to find a subject that we disagree on and our personalities are so alike that we were able to drive across country, just the two of us, and thoroughly enjoy each other’s company. As I grow and mature, I discuss my choices and difficulties with her, and it seems we make many of the same decisions.

So it was a shock to me when, this December, my siblings and their spouses were discussing a recent scenario, and I realized that maybe my mom is not always right. It was almost as if my eyes were literally opened.  Hmm, maybe mom was wrong, I thought, after all, no one is perfect. As strange as it sounds, it was the first time that I can remember actually choosing to see a point of view different from my mother’s.

Lucky for me, I never expected my mom to be perfect and this realization didn't make her fall in my eyes. It actually made me more secure in my roles of daughter and mother. It gave me the permission to respectfully question my mom’s actions. And even better than that, it gave me the courage to emulate her even more. I know I can do my best in every situation and when I make mistakes, it’s okay. Mom isn't perfect and neither am I.

“The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.”- Alden Nowlan

 I don’t know if I am wise yet, but each day that I learn to accept the humanity in those around me and forgive myself for not being better than they, I get a little closer.

Thanks, Mom, for not being perfect.

It's Time to Decide

The Boy Scouts of America is currently deciding if it should allow gay leaders to join the organization. This issue will now directly affect my family because my 13-year-old son is a scout.

I was pleased to read an article in this month’s Ensign, a magazine published by our church, which answered some questions for me. I want to clarify that this article is not about, and does not mention, homosexuality; however, I would like to apply its teachings as a guide. Elder Dallin H Oaks, in his article, “Balancing Truth and Tolerance” says that “we believe in absolute truth.”  Moral black and white seem to get grayer as the years move on, but according to Elder Oaks, “evil exists and . . . some things are simply, seriously, and everlastingly wrong.” Here I am grounded in the teachings of Christ, I know what is right and wrong and should not “depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).

Then Elder Oaks goes on to describe the other side of the coin: tolerance. He says that our lives today are touched by a varied population that “both enriches our lives and complicates them.” He goes on to talk about how we must use tolerance and mutual respect for those who believe differently. We must stand up for our religious beliefs and make sure those freedoms are not taken from us, but at the same time we must be “alert to honor the good we should see in all people.” Elder Oaks clarifies that although we are not obligated to tolerate wrong behavior, we should never “react with hateful communications or unkind actions.”

How do I apply these teachings to my life? The part of his article that guides me now in my thoughts is his discussion on how to know when to let truth rule or let tolerance lead the way. He says that “in most cases this decision can depend on how directly we are personally affected by it.”

This got me thinking. What if my son had a scout leader who was gay? How would this personally affect my family? In reality how different would it be from having a scout leader who smoked? The guidelines of the BSA state that leaders will not use tobacco at any function where youth are attending. So, if my son had a scout leader who smoked, he might know about it because that is hard to hide, but he wouldn’t actually witness him doing it. Of course, as his parent, it would be up to me to have the appropriate discussion that would help him to disagree with his leader’s choice to smoke, yet respect him for all the good things he does. Could this same discussion be appropriate if he had a gay scout leader? I think so. It’s not like homosexuality is a secret in our world today.

My thoughts seem clear at this point until I realize that there is one fundamental difference between smoking and homosexuality. The cigarette is not a human being.  It’s easy to ask someone not to smoke in front of my son, but could I expect someone not to bring their partner to meetings or activities? I’m not sure where this will lead me ultimately, but I will end with this quote from Elder Oaks: “In all of this we should not presume to judge our neighbors or associates on the ultimate effect of their behaviors. That judgment is the Lord’s, not ours.”

Please go to the links below for more information and leave your thoughts and comments.

 Elder Dallin H Oaks Ensign article

Statement by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints about the BSA considering gay leaders

The Lord works in mysterious ways. The trick is having the faith that you need to make it through the puzzles in a positive manner while following the “clues” that Heavenly Father leaves you.

While Brad and I were reading in the Doctrine and Covenants, we came across this scripture:  “Therefore this is thy gift: apply unto it.” (D&C 8:4) Later, this gift is taken away and the Lord states that “it was expedient when you commenced; but you feared, and the time is past, and it is not expedient now. .  .” (D&C 9:11).

I believe this scripture was put in the Doctrine and Covenants for me to read at this time in my life. As I read this story, I realized the Lord was talking to me. The gift I have been given is writing and I have not been using it; I have been making excuses. This scripture was sent to me as a wake-up call. Am I going to use my gift or let it disappear?

As soon as this inspiration came to me, tempting obstacles began popping up in front of me. I was offered two jobs, both of which would be great for kids in school and using my skills of editing. So, were these offers what I was supposed to pursue? Or a fake trail in my maze of inspiration?

Thankfully, my husband has always been supportive and understanding. We discussed, prayed, fasted, and went to the temple. We both came to the conclusion that I needed to spend my time working towards a writing career. I have been inspired that I could not “waste” my time at home. I needed to be highly aware of using my time wisely. I was also given a blessing that told me I could help my family grow closer as I made my decision and followed my dream.

So, please join me as I embark on a journey that will challenge me in ways I’m sure I cannot imagine (yet). I will be sharing my ups and downs, my selections and rejections, and my days full of hard work. Please send suggestions, positive thoughts, and prayers my way!