The Spirit

I sometimes feel like I don't want to leave church because I feel so close to the spirit. Today, there were a few talks on becoming closer to the spirit. One of the talks focused specifically on music. One of the things she said rang true for me. She talked about how music is used to praise and thank the Lord for our blessings. This is not the main topic of her talk, but I felt that maybe if I spent more time and energy in thanking the Lord then I would feel closer to the Lord. That is something I am going to work on. I am very blessed and I don't think I am anywhere near as grateful as I should be.

I then got to teach Nathan's primary class. That was a joy. Those kids are awesome (of course most of them are also my cub scouts-so that makes them even better). I loved having a gospel discussion with 8-9 year-olds. They are so smart. Much more knowledgeable about the gospel than I was at that age.

Later I got to stay for a baptism. I love staying for those because the spirit is so strong at baptisms. Then, someone had to decide to sing "Nearer My God to Thee". Some how I ended up conducting the music and there I was in front of everyone trying not to cry. The words to this song remind me of what it will be like when we leave this life and are able to spend time with our Savior and Father! I want so much to be with Katie and feel the love and peace that she must feel.

Saturday we are going to the temple and I am looking forward to being as close to her as I can be while on the earth.

Crazy Stuff

It is weird that after 16 years of marriage we are finally getting to know each other. I guess it is not too weird considering how much we have been apart in our marriage. In fact Brad said the other day that is seems like we are going through a honeymoon phase. (Am I too old for that?) I really don't think that Brad and I even knew each other when we decided to get married. We have been through some pretty rough times and seem to be able to come out together. For a while I was afraid that losing Katie would push us over the edge and we would drift farther apart than ever. I am not sure what has changed. I feel like I appreciate all the little things that Brad does for me more than ever. We have been working on our communication (or lack of communication) in counseling. I really don't know if that has changed much, but Brad says he notices a difference in the atmosphere in our home. Maybe it has something to do with all the praying going on in our home and for our home. Anyway, I feel like we are working together as a team and that we are enjoying being together. I'm not sure how losing Katie became the catalyst for our marriage to improve, but it seems that it has. I am grateful for all the small gifts of love that are helping us to heal, and how awesome is it that we seem to be healing together?

Crying

For some reason last night I decided to go back on my blog and read about our experiences in Washington with Katie in the hospital. I really cannot believe that we lived through all of that. (Things like walking to the hospital from Ronald McDonald House everyday, a couple times a day for a month. Or being interviewed on TV for the news. It was like stepping out of my life and into someone else's.)It seems surreal, like I am reading about another family, not me. Of course I cried and cried. Nathan walked in on me a couple of times and probably thinks I am losing my mind. The thought of making it through the rest of my life seems overwhelming. I just want to be able to live and progress without the memory of Katie fading. I know it won't be long and she will be just a misty memory. She will become the "remember that girl who died." Maybe that is why I want to do more writing. If I can write down my thoughts and memories of her then she will still be here. I hope I can grow and progress in my writing to be able to use it in a way to keep her alive to me.

Inspiration

When we were driving home from Palmyra I was reading the Ensign. There was an article about listening to inspiration from the spirit. This is something that I have been thinking about and dwelling on for a long time. I read a story about a mom with a 14 year old girl who was sick. She was prompted to tell the doctor that she had pneumonia, and even though the doctor didn't believe it, he did the x ray and she hid have it. Well, of course, as I was reading this, I was crying. It is not fair. I prayed and prayed all day Saturday and Sunday, Katie got a priesthood blessing on Sunday and I never felt like I got an answer if I should take her to the hospital or not. I still beat myself up over not taking her to the doctor sooner--who knows what would have happened. I wish I was close enough to the spirit to know what the Lord wants me to do. Anyway, as I was dwelling on these thoughts, I had a thought (Ok, revelation). I actually had the Lord tell me what to do--it was just months earlier. I got the impression that we should start doing family interviews and Mom and Dad dates. I have to believe that Katie dieing was what was supposed to happen and the Lord was preparing us all. I am so glad that we were able to spend some extra time with Katie. In fact the last few times we did the interviews- Katie decided to interview Brad and me. That was funny. I am going to try to pay attention to when I get inspiration from the Lord. I think it happens much more often than I realize.

I went to the Eastern Connecticut State campus today. I am all official. I got my ID, my parking pass, and my books! I am a little nervous, but also very excited! My class starts on the 2nd!

My thoughts

I decided to make a special blog just for my personal thoughts and struggles. This will be a much more personal and intimate view of me. I hope that this will serve as my journal as I make my way through losing my precious Katie.