I went to counseling on Wed and for the first time ever I came away feeling worse than when I went in. I realized that I still have a big pile of grief and feelings to work through. I am so good at pretending that everything is fine, that I start believing it myself. However, I am not going to sit down and cry just because I think I "should."
So I am just stressing myself out trying to do everything!
Yesterday, I had a great talk with my poetry professor and teaching assistant. We were talking about "obsessive subjects." That is not a bad thing. It just means that you think about certain things a lot and want to write about them. I talked about Katie and how she died and what we went through as a family. I think that is the first time that I have shared so much about the actual experience of being in the hospital and watching Katie die with "strangers." It felt really good. I said what I wanted to and they were such great listeners. Then I got into my car and cried the whole way home. It was nice to just let it all go and scream and cry. I wish that there was an end to this whole thing, but I know there isn't.
Then to add to my craziness--I am thinking about quiting my job. I don't feel like I am giving my kids what they need. I am not there for them when they need me. I am too busy doing my homework or cleaning the house or preparing my cub scout lesson, or whatever. I don't want to quite, but I think it is the right thing.
What do you think?
