I then listened to an interview on NPR with the author: see the transcript here
And I was impressed with her thoughts and views on parenting. I'm going to read her book (amazon link).
Senior says, "We assume that children will improve our happiness. That's why babies are called bundles of joy. But what's so interesting is that one of the most robust findings in the social sciences - and it's been this way for about 50 years - is that children do not improve their parents' happiness. In general, they have a net effect of either zero or they slightly compromise their parents' happiness. There are exceptions but overall the effect is zero to a slight negative."
So, are children supposed to make us happier? Do we assume that by having babies we will be happier people? I have often wondered if part of the reason we have babies when we are so young is because if we did it when we were older, we might decide it's not worth it.
I think I'm in the "sweet spot" of parenting right now. My kids are between the ages of 10 and 14. I don't have to change diapers, potty train, or deal with temper tantrums. We haven't quite reached the age of the teen angst and rebellion. So, to be honest, I'm enjoying being a mom right now. But am I happier than I would be without kids?
Senior goes on to explain why she thinks the results of the surveys are not adequate. One "five" is not the same as another. "So what the data was really leaving out was, in my view, joy. That "five" you're feeling when your kid laughs or when your kid says something that is so totally, like, amazingly weird, or insightful, or sensitive, it's not the same as like getting a good laugh out of watching a movie or having a really nice time with a friend. It's just like a different category of experience. And the fact that they all just numerically translate into the same thing is frustrating."
That makes sense. This same kid, who drains every ounce of life out of you, is the one who smiles up at you while snuggling in your arms and melts your heart. The same one who dumps every bin of toys into the middle of the floor is the one who climbs into your bed early in the morning and kisses your face. The kid who refuses to do her homework because "there's no point" is the same one who dances like a maniac at the school social, becoming the free floor show.The interviewer asks about one particular study: One of the studies that got a lot of attention came from the behavioral economist Daniel Kahneman. And he asked a bunch of working women what activities gave them the most pleasure. And lo and behold, childcare was way down on the list - 16th out of 19. (Interestingly, housework was rated above childcare in amount of pleasure.)
If someone asked me how much I enjoyed childcare, it wouldn't get a very high mark either. Yet, if they asked how much I enjoyed spending time with my kids, that would be a very different answer. The day to day drudgery is something we all have to do, something that has to be done, yet it isn't the same thing as being with your kids. Doing things together is fun.
So, I don't agree with the title of the book. I believe joy is inherent in parenting, the smiles, the kisses, the proud moments; but fun comes when you make time for it. If you aren't having any fun as a parent, it's your own fault.
Give me your thoughts. Tell me about the joys of parenthood. Is it what you thought it would be? Would you do it again if you could go back in time? Something not discussed in the interview: what if your kids have disabilities or other challenges? How does this affect your joy or fun?
