I went to counseling on Wed and for the first time ever I came away feeling worse than when I went in. I realized that I still have a big pile of grief and feelings to work through. I am so good at pretending that everything is fine, that I start believing it myself. However, I am not going to sit down and cry just because I think I "should."
So I am just stressing myself out trying to do everything!
Yesterday, I had a great talk with my poetry professor and teaching assistant. We were talking about "obsessive subjects." That is not a bad thing. It just means that you think about certain things a lot and want to write about them. I talked about Katie and how she died and what we went through as a family. I think that is the first time that I have shared so much about the actual experience of being in the hospital and watching Katie die with "strangers." It felt really good. I said what I wanted to and they were such great listeners. Then I got into my car and cried the whole way home. It was nice to just let it all go and scream and cry. I wish that there was an end to this whole thing, but I know there isn't.
Then to add to my craziness--I am thinking about quiting my job. I don't feel like I am giving my kids what they need. I am not there for them when they need me. I am too busy doing my homework or cleaning the house or preparing my cub scout lesson, or whatever. I don't want to quite, but I think it is the right thing.
What do you think?
I'm home full-time and I still stress about not giving my kids enough of what they need. I don't know if anyone ever feels like they're 100% in that regard. But you certainly have a lot on your plate so it might be a relief to have extra time.
ReplyDeleteI hope your ward in CT is awesome and supportive because you'd be getting lots of love in the Silverdale 6th ward!
Eileen Beck
P.S. I'm always available if you need to chat. 394-3531
girl I think ur the best mom ever and yes I think you should give yourself the extra down time.. love miss ya gina
ReplyDeleteI know you have a lot going on! If you feel you should give up your job, then I'm sure it's the right thing. You took the job by inspiration and you can give it up the same way. Heavenly Father will let you know what to do.
ReplyDeleteI would say pray about it. It is really hard to balance your needs, kids needs, husband needs, work needs, school needs, etc. The list just goes on and on. Heavenly Father will guide you in the right direction for you and your family whatever it may be. I worked part-time and went to school too, along with being a mom, so it is tough, but whatever you do, as long as you consult with Heavenly Father, will turn out for the best.
ReplyDeleteSometimes in life we have to make those decisions that baffle us and are challenging. I can tell you that I am home with my daughter and not working because of your experience. I feel like things are passing to quickly and I need this time with her. I also think running faster is a sign things aren't what they seem. The hard parts are the down times. You are the only one that know what you need even though admitting it might be hard. You have to go through something to get to the other side, whatever that may be. I love you hugs!
ReplyDeleteI only know what I went thru is just a glimmer of what you have/are going thru. I do understand what you mean about ignoring it as if it didn't happen. I do that too. I think it was the only way my brain could get me through my day. I get it.
ReplyDeleteIf you think you need the extra time, then - yes, quit your job. Follow your inpirations, and as everyone else already said, Heavenly Father is helping you with this. Lean on him, and he will help you. I understand it is hard to allow someone else the power to be in charge...but think of the freedom you will gain letting him take care of things for awhile.
Tricia-- I love you and hope you know that I think of you often!! I missed you at church today- it just wasen't right to have you clear across the country!! Tell Brad "love ya" too...
Hugs!
Bek
I found your blog by blog surfing. I know your life will never be the same, we just have to try to get through a new normal. I fell in love with katie as i have been reading your blog. I am truly sorry for the ache in you heart. our justin passed away on sept 26 2005 in the usu van rollover. I know all deaths are different. But i think sometimes it is good to talk. so please go to my blog if you want to and leave a comment. i hope you don't mind that i added you to my blog.
ReplyDeleteannmarie
I am a mail carrier in Silverdale. I was your carrier when you lived in Silverdale. I followed Katies progress and was devistated when she passed. I continue to read your blogs as I have found great healing in them. My friends lost their 11 year old son almost 17 years ago. Before they got custody of him he lived a hard life. He and I were very close and when he passed it was like I lost my own son. I have named my son after him. We go to his grave on his birthday and all holdidays. I felt like no one understood. Sometimes I even felt crazy and reading your blogs has given me great therapy. I am truly sorry for your pain but please know that you have helped me greatly with your blogs. You say in one blog that you wonder if things will ever be the same. Sorry to say no. You do however to learn to cope and then someday there is something there that helps you greatly. For me that was your blogs. I have coped better now than I have for nearly 17 years. Your daughter was beautiful and I am sure the Michael was at the gates waiting to show her the way. That is the type of boy he was. Don't ever feel alone. You are an amazing family and I am so proud of how you have handled things and wish that I would have had the support that you have had. Just being a friend of him made people believe I was crazy but he spent more time with me than his own parents so there was an amazing bond. I relate so well to the feelings you have written about. Thank you for helping me find some sort of peace after so long.
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