Are You Being Selfless or Oblivious?

I had a conversation with my boss this week that got me thinking. Sometimes, when we try to be selfless, we teach lessons to others that we don't mean to teach. 
Women have a bad habit of putting themselves last on the list (some men do too). We think we are doing the right thing by looking out for everyone else first. We are told things like, “You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others,” but we don’t really believe it. We feel guilty when we use time or resources for ourselves. 

Here’s what we are teaching others when we ALWAYS put others first.

1)      It’s okay to put me last. Why would anyone ever think of you or your needs if you don’t? You are teaching others that you want to be last on the list. Don’t expect thoughtful acts from others because you taught them you are supposed to be last.

2)      I don’t value the gift you are offering me. If you constantly refuse offers of help or gifts, they will stop coming. Others will decide you don’t want their help and leave you to fend for yourself. You are teaching them that their efforts don’t matter.

3)      I can handle everything, I don’t need you. When you wonder why you are constantly feeling overwhelmed and overworked, maybe you should consider what you taught the people around you. They think you've got it, no reason to worry.

4)      This is the way you have to act to be a “good” mom (or worker, or wife, etc). This especially worries me when thinking about what moms are teaching their daughters. Are we teaching them that a mom must give all and take nothing for herself? This thought for her future could either cause your daughter to dread being a mother or teach her to repeat your actions.

Being a mother is a selfless choice. And being unselfish is a virtue, but the things we teach those around us have consequences. 

The next time you are tempted to put yourself last in the line-up, consider: What am I teaching?

My Contract With Myself

I truly thought getting my kids to the take-care-of-yourself stage meant I was home free. All the hard part of parenting was done, right?

Well, this year my oldest son turned fifteen and started high school. He'll even start driving soon. He's growing up, and I'm not sure how to parent a young man, it makes parenting toddlers look like child's play.

I'm not sure what I'm doing most of the time, and many times I realize later the choices I made weren't so good.

But here's my contract with myself knowing I have a teen and two more just behind:

1) I will support my teen, but not enable him. I will allow him to make his own decisions and face the consequences of those choices (as long as he is safe and headed in a generally good direction).

2) I will tell him and show him I love him often. I will give him sincere compliments when he does well.

3) I will make sure he knows what is expected of him and the results of meeting or not meeting those expectations.

4) I will get to know his friends and understand how important friendships are at this point in his life. I will let him be with his friends as much as possible without giving up precious family time.

5) I will trust him when I can and be honest with him when I can't. I will have filters on computers and phones that I will check regularly to keep my entire family safe.

6) I will do my best to make good judgments as a loving parent. I will give myself a break when things don't go the way I would like. I will learn from and admit my mistakes.

7) I will take responsibility for my actions and allow my teen to take responsibility for his. 

8) I will always remember how lucky I am to have him.

Do you have pointers for this new parent of a teen? What should I worry about? What should I let slide?