Most of you know about my 13-year-old daughter who passed away almost seven years ago from an infection in her lungs. Ironically, and tragically, one of her best friends had her first-born son die recently. My heart was broken for her and her family. While putting together a personal letter for her, I began to think back over the past seven years and the things I have learned about surviving the loss of a child.
1) Talk to someone who has been through it. You will be surprised how many people around you have lost a child. One of the first things I wanted to do after Katie died was to talk to a friend who had lost her son only a year or two before. It was a great help to see that the pain would eventually ease.
2) Get professional help. It was easy for me to send my kids to therapy, I wanted them to be "ok." But you need help, too. Don't be afraid to try different therapists. I saw one who just wanted to put me on medication. That's not what I needed. I needed to talk and find a way through my grief. I only saw her twice. Don't be proud. Ask for help.
3) Talk about your child (when you are ready). That could be right away, or it could be much later. Talk about your child when you are able to do so in a normal conversation. It is so healing to keep her memory alive. We have moved twice since my daughter died and both places we lived, everyone knows about my Katie. Yes, it's a little uncomfortable at times, but I just can't answer the question, "How many kids do you have?" Without including my oldest.
4) Find a way to share your thoughts, memories, and pain. Writing worked for me. Try art, music, crafts, journaling, blogging, etc. Or maybe you are a physical person, try running, dancing, hiking, etc.
***For those of you reading this who have friends or family going through a loss--make sure to comment on blogs, stories, etc. It helps us to know that we are not forgotten.
5) Find a reason for your loss. This could be religion or faith. It could be starting a scholarship fund or a "movement" to stop the same thing from happening to another child.
6) Choose to live. There are times when you don't want to go on. There are times that it seems too hard to get up and move. But you have a choice. Choose to live.
I can't figure out why I get jealous when I see other kids perform; my kids have many great talents. Yet on days like today (at church there was a young girl who played a fantastic piano solo and a brother and sister who played a sweet violin duet), I find myself hoping/wishing my kids were as talented as them. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of these kids and think it's great they have developed their talents, but deep down I have this twinge of jealousy which I can't explain.
It must be the crazy mixed up values we have in our world. Excelling at a talent is a good thing, working hard at something teaches you so many valuable lessons. Yet, in the grand scheme of things, how important is the talent itself.
Here are five "talents" I want my kids to have that can't be presented at a show:
1) Honesty--I want others to say, "If that kid said it, it's true."
2) Perseverance--I want others to say, "That kid never gives up."
3) Courage--I want others to say, "Wow, that kid is brave."
4) Confidence--I want others to say, "That kid thinks he can do anything."
5) Thoughtful--I want others to say,"That kid is always so kind."
So, the next time I feel the green-eyed monster sneaking in, I'll pull up this list and consider how my kids are doing with these talents. Then I can smile as I enjoy the talents of other kids.
