"Ari ... wants a lot from women, from her elders, from her peers. She wants guidance and sisterhood and she's not getting any of that. She's pretty let down. There's this sense of, like, you're on your own with this pretty enormous, powerful and very vulnerable transition. And I think that's what underlies her rage."
I began to consider if I had this guidance and sisterhood from the people around me as I struggled with each of my four babies. I feel lucky to have a supportive family and church organization. But then I began to wonder if the support I received was as honest as it could have been.
"It's a question of what do we owe each other as people, as women? And I think everybody has kind of a different idea about that. You know, to each her own, but I personally believe — and I share this with Ari — that we owe each other some measure of support and sisterhood and openness and honesty. And when we are bereft of those things, things get rough quick for all of us."
How many times have you heard or even said things that sound good and right, but later really consider them and realize that it may not have been exactly honest? I came in on the end of a conversation at church the other day and heard one mom, who--I'm sure--meant what she said, telling another mom with an infant and a two-year-old that someday she will look back on these days and actually miss them. I kind of giggled and shook my head. As the first mom walked away I slid closer to the young mom and whispered, "There's some things you will miss, but believe me, there are many things that you will be glad to leave behind." She smiled at me gratefully and admitted that she was worried that she would NOT miss these days and wondered silently if that made her a "bad mom."
So that got me thinking: How many things do we tell each other just because it was what we have been told and it feels right? I say we begin to tell each other the unvarnished truth. I don't care who you are, you will NOT miss changing dirty diapers, two-year-old temper tantrums, or cleaning the same things over and over again. We need to be willing to listen to each other and be honest with each other. We are lucky because there is not a right or wrong answer to many of the choices we face as women. We should feel free to discuss our worries with each other without the fear of being judged. My sister admitted to me once that she is glad she was able to work part-time while being a mother, but at the same time she wondered if she were judged by other moms. She felt like she was a better mom because of the things she was able to accomplish at work. I tried homeschooling once and went to a meeting of homeschooling moms. It was a strange experience. I came away feeling that if I chose to send my kids to school, I was missing out on things I couldn't get any other way. I must not be a "good" mom if I didn't homeschool.
I am a mom of four. I'm loving this time of being a mother. I must admit I really don't miss my kids being babies or toddlers. I have worked, gone back to school, and been a stay-at-home mom throughout the years. I have felt guilty for not giving my kids all of me. I want my kids to be responsible hard workers, but I feel like I'm failing most of the time. My house is usually a mess, even though my kids think I'm a "clean freak." It doesn't matter how hard you try, your kids WILL make bad choices and bad things WILL happen. I hate comparing myself to others, but I can't seem to stop.What is your truth?
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