Food=Love

It wasn't very long ago in our society that we learned that Food = Love. You go to grandma's house and she welcomes you with a spread that rivals Thanksgiving. Even walking up to the door the smell of baked ham and cherry pie settles into your memories to be reawakened at your next visit. You pull up your chair and begin to pile food onto your plate. Even when your plate is full, you realize there's still food on the table you haven't tried yet. You have to clean your plate just so you can refill it with new goodies. It is a great time, the whole family chats, laughs, and catches up on family news (and gossip). You finish your meal and collapse in the family room around the TV to digest your feast. It's heaven.

Wow, the love and care that was put into planning, shopping, preparing, cooking, serving, and clean up is unbelievable: Grandma's time and effort brought to life through her famous meals.

I'm afraid when I have grandkids they will not be graced with this same greeting. I HATE to cook. I HATE grocery shopping. I HATE spending time in the kitchen while everyone else is visiting. I HATE just finishing the cooking to turn around and clean the mound of dishes left over from the voracious mob. It is NOT my thing.

My kids don't get beautiful home cooked meals. In fact, I have begun putting each child in charge of one night of cooking each week. It's so great to pass that load on. At my house Food does not = Love. 

My grandkids will probably get a Papa Murphy's pizza while we play card games at the kitchen table. Or maybe a ham sandwich that we eat at the top of a mountain path while we count the bird calls, because we can never actually see the birds, just hear them. They will be welcomed into my home with the fresh smell of paint and playdough sitting ready for the day's activities. 

I'm forever grateful for those who enjoy cooking, who enjoy sharing their love through their creative foods. But my memories are different. I will treasure the memories of time shared and adventures taken together. To me Time = Love.

I Don't Want My Kids to Be Successful

Have you seen the adorable 12-year-old on "America's Got Talent" singing with the ukulele?

She is quite talented. During the backstage interviews, her mom mentioned something that made me cringe. She said that she wanted her daughter to be successful at everything she tried. I understand what she was saying, it is heartbreaking to watch your kids fail, but right away I thought it was stupid to wish for something that you know, in reality, will never happen. But then I began to think about it. I really DON'T want my kids to succeed at everything they try.

Failure teaches:

1) Things don't always end up the way you plan. It's not the end of the world. Change your plan and go again.

2) Look for what you did wrong. What can you learn from this failure? What will you do differently next time?

3) You learn how tough you really are. If things are always good or easy, you can't grow, you won't be challenged. Hard times teach you how strong you can be.

4) There are good people and not so good people around you. Failure turns a light onto the people in your life. Will they support you? Will they enable you? Will they leave? Which of these people do you truly want in your life?

5) It's not scary to try new things. Everyone fails sometimes. If you don't try, you will never succeed. Just try!

I want my kids to try! I want my kids to fail. Then they can be successful.

I Don't Want My Husband's Help at Home

There is a commercial from India going around the internet: 

I like the theme of the commercial, and I realize it is written for an audience in India, not America, but it is still something we all talk about as wives and mothers. We are constantly looking for our husbands to "help" around the house. It would make us so happy, right?

That word is what bugs me. Do I "help" around the house? No, I work, I organize, I decide, I lead, I delegate. (And, yes, I work 30 hours a week besides my responsibilities at home.)

Does a man show up at work to "help out?" I don't think so, he goes to work to take pride in his job, to put his best foot forward, to make sure nothing falls through the cracks. Yet, he walks in the door of his own home and retreats to a helper.

I don't want a helper. I want a partner who puts his whole heart and soul into making our home and family a success. He doesn't need to have all the answers (I don't either). He doesn't need to work non-stop (I don't either). He doesn't need to be in charge of everything all the time, but taking some of the responsibility for the kind of home we create would be fantastic.

Don't be a Helper, Be a Partner! 

Let Me Push You

When I was at roller derby practice on Saturday, we learned a move where you use a teammate as an obstacle to stop the opposing team's scoring player. If you see the player coming your way, but she is too far away for you to stop her, you can push a teammate into her path, hopefully pushing her off of the track. As we learned this move, our coach mentioned that she was told, as a new player, that you have to allow yourself to be pushed. "Let me push you!" she was told. 

If you resist your teammate's push, you will not be able to stop the opposing player, and you might even fall and get injured. By giving into the push,

you can accomplish your goals and keep yourself safe.

There are many times in my life when I have had to give into a push. Sometimes those pushes are scary and we don't see them coming. Sometimes we see them coming from a long ways away, but we resist the change and fight against it. 

But I have learned that if I trust the one pushing me, I will allow the force to carry me into a better place. The push will change my course and allow me to accomplish things I never thought were possible. 

When you feel a push coming your way, don't resist. "Let Me Push You!"

Letting Your Teen "Cry It Out"

I don't have a baby anymore, but I recently noticed the "Cry It Out" method of getting your baby to sleep is under attack, again. With my first baby, almost 21 years ago, the method was then getting thrown around. 


My oldest daughter refused to sleep, she just couldn't stand missing what was going on around her. By the time she was 9 months old, I was at the end of my rope. My husband was in the Navy and out to sea all the time, it fell to me to make the decisions and to figure out a way for the both of us to get some sleep. I tried everything and eventually settled on the "Cry it Out" method. The first night I put her to bed, and she cried for 45 minutes before she feel asleep. Listening to her cry was pure torture. I only made it because of a well-timed phone call from my husband. She only cried for 10 minutes the next night and after that she would go right to sleep. (I don't think this is typical results, it was pretty smooth for me.) However, it never really felt right. By the time my third child came along, I was prepared with many more tools in my "sleeping" toolbox. (Check out http://sleeplady.com/ she saved my sanity and taught me so much about a child's sleep patterns.) I felt more confident and also learned that each child is different. There isn't one "correct" answer. 

There is one thing scarier than being a new mom, it's having a house full of teenagers. I'm still worried about when to leave my child all alone to "Cry it Out" and when to hover nearby to save him from himself. I still gather all the information I can from any source, hoping to make the "right" decision. I guess it's more appropriate to allow a 16-year-old to "Cry it Out," leaving him alone to make his own mistakes, but it's not easy. Maybe by the time my third teen is 16 I'll have it figured out. If you ever start a teenlady.com website, please let me know! My toolbox is running low.

Can't I Just Skip the Teenage Years?

We have had some challenging times in our home the last few weeks. My oldest has an official driver's license which has helped me out so much with the "family taxi," but has also given him more freedom and unsupervised time. One of my girls got into trouble at school (she was defending herself, and I'm behind her choice all the way, but she has to face the consequences of her actions), and my other girl is going through her teen Dr Jekyll and Mrs Hyde emotions. I have said out loud more than once that I would like to just skip the teenage years. 

But then I heard a story about a woman who had a stroke and woke up having forgotten the last ten years of her life. When her kids came to visit her, they were strangers to her. The last time she remembered seeing her kids they were young elementary students, but standing beside her were grown kids in their early twenties. I began to consider if given the choice, would I skip all the good parts of my kids growing to avoid the heart wrenching moments?  


Would I skip the dramatic tears and the nights of worry if it meant I would miss the laughter and camaraderie as our family morphs into its new shape?

Would you?

Hold On!

My blog this week is inspired by this talk by Elder Russell M Ballard:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/10/stay-in-the-boat-and-hold-on?lang=eng

One of the hardest parts of life is seeing those you love struggle. You want to reach out and save them from their trials. But what will happen if you try to save someone when you are not in a position to do so.


Our extended family took a fun white water rafting trip a few years ago. As we went over one huge wave, my niece was thrust off of her seat and into the cold water. As we all screamed and watched her splash into the river, her dad calmly set down his oar, reached into the water, and pulled her by her life jacket back into the boat. 

Her dad could have chosen to jump into the water to save his daughter. He could have been swept downstream by the swift current right along with her, but he was smart enough to stay safely in the boat. His fast thinking kept them both safe, and the exciting adventure continued.

No matter how badly we want to save our loved ones when they are floundering, we cannot do so if we are not in a safe place ourselves. We cannot dive into the dangerous current hoping to catch them and then swim against the current back to the safety of the boat.

We need to hold on before we reach out.

That's Right, I'm a Roller Girl!

I started skating with our local roller derby team about a month ago. I haven't said much to people because I wasn't sure where it was going to go, but I'm ready to make a commitment. Here's why I've decided to join Atomic City Roller Girls:



1) It's something just for me. I spend so much time running kids around and doing things for others. This is just for me.

2) I get to meet some great ladies. Everyone has been so accepting and supportive, it's made learning easy and fun. And this is a group of women I probably wouldn't get to know in any other way. My circle of friends is expanding.

3) I get to be pretty and tough at the same time. (I must admit, I'm pretty sure my husband thinks it's hot.) Where else can you wear spandex in public and blend right in?

4) It's hard! I'm having a great time, but it is not easy. I'm pushing outside my comfort zone and enjoying the small successes as I learn new things. I'm understanding just a little bit more of how my kids must feel in their struggles.

5) I love to see the looks on people's faces when I say, "I'm doing Roller Derby!"

I'm not sure where this is going, but right now I'm enjoying the roll.

Dear Guys

Dear Guys:


I know we seem mysterious and confusing, but we are actually pretty simple. We love you and want to feel close to you. If you would do a few simple things, our relationships could grow more than you would believe.

1) Look at us when we talk to you. Yes, this means you need to put down your phone. It gets frustrating when we are asking for your help or giving you needed information and we have no idea if you are listening. Just look at us, so we know you hear us.

2) We crave your touch. Show us you want to feel us near you. Hold our hand. Touch our back. Sit close to us. 

3) Have a conversation with us. You may not need to say anything, but that's how we feel connected. Talk to us. Ask us questions. Learn about us. When we are in the car together, talk to us. We want to know you, too.


4) Be our cheerleader. Encourage us to try new things. Teach us about things you love. Let us excel and brag about us to your friends.

5) Bring peace. Do something to bring peace into our relationship. Pray with us. Meditate together. Let's take a walk together. 

But most of all, please do these things for us. Take the lead. We are waiting for you to reach out to us.

We love you. Love,

Your Ladies

Should You "Go It Alone?"

As I stood in church yesterday to sing in the choir, I flashed back to my junior high choir. I wish I was a strong singer, I love to sing, but I'm not confident and always compare myself to others around me. It was in the junior high choir that I began to form some lazy habits. I stood next to a good friend who was a strong singer and I could listen to her when I wasn't sure of the notes. I became a GREAT follower. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I ever evolved past that point. Now, even as an adult I have to be careful where I stand in a choir or when I accept an invitation to sing in a small group. I have to have someone to lean on. And if I end up next to someone who struggles a little, like myself, I worry I'm not hitting the harder notes.

But, maybe that's what a choir is for. What a blessing to have someone to lean on and to allow me to enjoy a talent I love. You couldn't have a choir full of soloists it wouldn't work, it wouldn't blend. I need those other ladies around me to help lift me up.

My youngest daughter found out the hard way what happens when you try to "go it alone." She has been riding the city bus to her ice skating lessons this summer. One day she left the house too late and missed the bus by seconds. She was frustrated and didn't want to miss her lesson, so she set off to walk the three miles to the rink. She was walking in flip-flops and dragging her skating bag behind her. She had her phone in her bag, but the battery was dead. I can imagine she felt scared and overwhelmed and at the same time proud and determined as she made that walk. She decided to rely on her own knowledge and skill to make it to her lesson. She did make it. She skated some that day, but then realized her foot hurt. She discovered a giant blister which covered the entire heel of her right foot. Although she made it to her lesson, she couldn't really skate and then had to miss her next couple of lessons because of the blister on her foot.  

When it is Okay to lean on others? When should we set out on our own with complete determination? 

Why I think being a parent today is harder than ever...

one word:

Electronics.

I'm sure throughout the ages each generation has had to deal with a new set of challenges, but I don't think you ever heard Mrs Ingalls telling Laura to "put the slate down and go outside to play."  I don't think the kids ever had to hear, "Hold on, let me finish this post to Aunt Jenny then I'll get dinner going."



It's awfully hard to keep your family safe, not just from those in your community, but literally from the entire world. (Don't call Captain Literally on me--cause it's literally true!)






Keeping up with the Joneses has now become keeping up with the Thompsons, the Mitchells, the Morenos, the Ongs, the Medinas. You can never do enough, have enough, be talented enough. When is enough enough?




We have all these great modern conveniences, yet we never seem to have extra time. Where does all that time go? What stops us from looking around to notice the messy kitchen, the dirty laundry, the lawn too long? How often do we get off the devices and spend some time with our kids? 



How cool is it that we get to connect with people all around the world? We can find answers and information at the tip of our fingers. Yet these blessings come with a dark side. It means that we must be vigilant parents at all times. We have to be prepared and prepare our children, not for what may come, but for what WILL come. Don't give up, and don't bury your head. Stand up and be a parent!