Look at me go!

I had a great time riding my scooter today. It is amazing the difference a little bit of experience makes. There was still a couple of scary moments, but mostly it was just plain fun!

I think I am really going to enjoy having the scooter to drive around. I am looking forward to next year when it warms up. I will be able to take the kids for short rides and maybe run my errands on it.

I am officially signed up for the motorcycle safety course. We'll see how that goes.

Marching Along

I really should be getting some other things done, but since I haven't blogged in a while I thought I would catch up on a few things.

First--I got an A on my first paper! I am so excited! Yeah for me.

Second--I drove the scooter to school on Thursday. It was actually kind of scary in parts. I really don't like going over 45 MPH on that thing. I am hoping that with practice it will not be so scary. Of course I won't be able to ride it much longer with winter coming up. I will ride on Tuesdays because I am done with class by 4:00. Thursdays I have class untill 6:45-so it is starting to get dark. I actually chickened out and had Brad come and get me on Thursday. I rode the scooter half way then he picked me up and I drove the van the rest of the way home. Anyway, I think I can do it. It is going to take some nerve and some practice. Wish me luck.

Third--I made it through the six month mark without too much issues. I did have a great friend come over and sit with me that night. We just talked and laughed and I ignored the "whole Katie thing". It is so hard for me to be a cry baby in front of other people (even when I want to). I heard that Katie's gym in Washington put some pick elephants on the banners that bare her name. I sure hope I get a picture of that. That means so much to me. It makes me feel like she will always be remembered there.

Thanks for listening!

Six Months

Guess what tomorrow is? It will be six months since I lost my beautiful girl. I am sure I won't have time to write tomorrow, so I thought I would give some of my thoughts tonight. I think I have moved on to another phase in my grieving. I don't think I like it though. For a long time I would see the photos of Katie, or see her clothes or her favorite toys and smile. But now, It just hurts inside -I almost feel angry. I guess I feel cheated. There is nothing I can do, but go about my "normal" life. Then, something someone says or does reminds me of Katie, and the knife in my heart is just twisted once again. I am sure this is nothing new to people going through this kind of grief, but it is new to me. The trials and tests of this life are more bitter and rough than I ever thought they would be. I just pray that after this life the rewards will be more sweet and more soft than we can imagine here.

Cranky Day

Today was a cranky day for me. I really don't know why. No reason, really. I probably would have skipped church if I wasn't substituting in Primary. Instead, we just got there late. I slept, until I really had to get up. The poor kids were pretty confused. They couldn't figure out why I wasn't getting up. I have fought a headache all day and really just wanted to stay home and veg. If Brad had been home I would have sent him to church with the kids so that I could stay home alone. I didn't happen. I went to church and I taught the class, which was pretty fun. When we stayed after church for choir practice, I really missed my Katie. She was always such a great help.



I am working on a poem for poetry class about Katie's headstone. It makes me sad that I haven't seen it yet. Of course, I am also glad that she is in a place where Grandma can watch over her. I am glad her body is near some one who cares for her almost as much as I do.

Talk

Brad and I did have a talk last night. It was a good talk. I don't think we got anything really figured out, but it was good to get my feelings out. I am looking forward to counseling tomorrow. I hope to be able to add onto the talk we started yesterday. We are moving onto the next level in our relationship--here we go!

You should have been in my poetry class tonight, actually, i am glad you weren't. It was pretty embarrassing. First, it started out with me noticing that the girl next to me had her assignment typed. Mine, not so much. It was listed on the syllabus as an "exercise" so I figured it was not to hand in. I figured wrong. So, I had to hand in my assignment hand written. Then - wait for it- my cell phone rings in the middle of class! (Ok, I swear I had put it on vibrate--guess not.) Then, trying to redeem myself from the rest of my foibles, I tried to answer a question. Why did i try? I don't know. He asked us what austere meant. Anyone know? I guessed--proud? Nope, it means severe (like, my dad was an austere man). Well, the good news is the professor is really cool and pretty down to earth. I don't think he hates me, but I can tell you he definitely knows my name! Poor me!

Help!

I feel like our "honeymoon" phase is over (or at least dimming). I am feeling frustrated and overwhelmed with everything I need to get done, and I am sure Brad is feeling the same. I know we need to sit down and "hash out"what we expect from each other. With us both taking college classes it is adding an extra challenge to our lives. Oh, and lets see--I started work again, and the kids are all starting their fall activities. If we don't figure out how to work together, I think one of us is going to kill the other! (I wont say which is which). I hope to have a good talk with Brad later today. I will report.

Thoughts on Families

I was thinking about a conversation that I had with a friend on Saturday. She was talking about how hard it is to have a big family and to hear the comments that people make. She said that it doesn't feel like a big family to her and I understand what she means. It made me realize how much I miss our "big family." Having four kids is kind of "over the top" for a lot of people now a days. I enjoyed it because it made me feel like our family was special and unique. I felt like I was accomplishing something that others didn't even think they could do. Please enjoy your family (whether big or small). Your family is yours alone and only you can make the decisions that are right for you! My family is my biggest blessing. I need to remember that more often!

Temple

Of course nothing can be easy. There was a planned Ward temple trip today and we decided to do Katie's temple work on that day. Well, Hurricane Hannah messed us all up. The ward decided to cancel the trip. My friend offered to watch my kids so we could still go. We ended up farming out our kids and taking my friend with us. It ended up being a long and emotional day. it was also very calm and reassuring. I felt close to Katie and close to the Spirit World. It was a good day.

Poetry

Wow! My poetry class is going to be so awesome! The professor is funny and loves what he is teaching. I am worried about actually writing poetry, but I guess I will just jump in and see how it goes. It is neat because many of the things he talked about were also things that my children's writing class discussed. I think tapping into your emotions and paying attention to detail etc can help with all different kinds of writing. We will see how the poems go! Luckily, we get to "workshop" each other's poems before they actually get graded. That way we will have lots of input before we hand them in. I am a little worried because I am afraid the most of my poems will have something to do with losing Katie. I just don't want the others in my class to be like "not that again." Sometimes I feel like I am the only one that has ever been through something like this even though I know it is not true. It makes me feel different and like I have a secret from the rest of the "normal" world. I think the poetry class will give me an outlet for some of my feelings (I just don't want to overdo it!)

Here is my first poem. I wrote it in class in about 10 minutes, so take it as you will:

American Idol

Exhausted arms fighting endlessly,
Encircling arms adding strength,
Together the surrendering salmon is landed.

Can you tell what it is about? What do you think?

Still Nervous

Just in case you wondered, I am sure my blogging will slow down now that I am trying to go back to school.

The first day was good. I did fine, but felt like a fish out of water walking on campus with all those teen i boppers! I did find my class ok and only had to ask for help twice. I didn't feel too ad when I saw quite a few others that were lost too.

The professor I have is from China (Oh, it is an Asian-American Literature class) and he moved here to go to college and never went home. He seems like a good guy, but he talks with a strong accent. I will have to sit in the front row to make sure I understand everything. Also, I feel like he spent most of the first class discussing how China is not as bad as everyone thinks and America is not a good as everyone thinks. It will be interesting to see how the books he picked for us to read play into his sentiments about America. OH, and I am scared that I won't be able to write well enough for college standards! Help, oh Help!

I got to see the bishop yesterday. We really talked and talked. We were in there for about an hour and fifteen minutes. I enjoyed our talk. I guess he thinks I am looking at my lose in a different way than I was before. That is true. I think I am starting to come to terms with the fact that it happened and there is nothing we can do to change it. I still don't like it and I will always miss her. We also talked about some of my fears for the future. That is a whole other blog entry!

Nervous

Tomorrow is the day! I am starting classes! I only have one class tomorrow. Let's hope I can find the building on campus! I am nervous, but also really excited. I hope to make it through my latest endeavor without running myself crazy.

I also have cub scout meetings tomorrow. I should be at the church until almost 9:00 tomorrow night. I hope that is not the normal plan, because I am going to have my kids with me. Brad has to be at the bishopric meetings on Tuesday night, so I have the kids.

We'll see how Brad and the kids make it through this new craziness. He will have to make dinner and get the kids ready for the evenings' adventures.

I am feeling a little blah today. Maybe it is time to jump into a new life!